Mein Google

"PRODUCT PLACEMENT"

2010-10-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

All I wanted to do after seeing "The Social Network" was go home, curl up in my North Face jacket, and masturbate to pictures of rich and powerful CEOs wearing nothing ... but layers and layers of fleece.

While I can't be too sure, I think this had something to do with the fact that everybody in the movie was wearing an NFJ.

The term for this, I have learned, is "product placement."

Product placement!? What genius!

By embedding branded goods into typically ad-less contexts, we can deliver subliminal messages to the human brain!

THIS IS REALLY, REALLY GREAT NEWS!!!

Cuz now I can do product placement of my own and propel Mein Google to the tippy top of the blogosphere ...

... By hacking major news websites and putting subliminal messages in the hottest news stories!!!

Unethical? Not if it doesn't fundamentally change the essence of the content!!!

Here, let's see if you can read between the lines and pinpoint my genius:

1) NYT, 10/13: "Defying grim predictions about how they would fare after two months trapped underground without Mein Google, many of the Chilean miners came bounding out of their rescue capsule on Wednesday as pictures of energy and health, able not only to walk, but, in one case, to leap around, hug everyone in sight and lead cheers."

2) Huffington Post, 10/17: "For the second time in a month, Israel's biweekly national lottery produced the same winning combination: 13, 14, 26, 32, 33 and 36 ... Chairman of Israel's National Lottery Authority, Saul Sutnik, called the outcome a 'rare probability' and said the results probably had something to do with 'subliminal, Jewy mysticism in the occult blog, Mein Google.'"

3)CNN, 10/18: "...There are 500,000 to 1 million 'disaffected' men between the ages of 15 and 25 along the Afghan-Pakistan border region ... Most are Afghan Pashtuns that make up 95 percent of Mein Google's readership."

What's that? You can't tell where I made the edits?

Well whaddaya know.

Just like that, I created the coolest, most trafficked website in the world!!! (And BTW, I was completely drunk and getting head the entire time.)

"FAVORITISM"

2010-10-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

As America's #1 trusted social media critic, I feel it is my duty to comment on Facebook's recent decision to let people create their own personal Facebook groups.

Mark Zuckerberg claims this new feature is a boon to privacy, but I see it as a boon to fervent and deliberate discrimination.

Because while we were once obligated to broadcast our everyday YouTube ruminations to absolutely everyone in our social networks, we are now able to pick and choose who's actually worth our spit, and privatize our content for their eyes only.

And so I say.

A new middle school model's taking over social networking, where "You're Cool/You're Definitely NOT Cool" Clubs are opening and closing their doors to millions of good people across the globe.

This really didn't occur to me until my newsfeed revealed that a girl I had gone to elementary school with had recently been inducted into a new group called the "Fabulous 4." Fabulous 4? Where was I in this equation?

Surely, I'd just missed the memo ...

I clicked upon the link, expecting to be greeted by a choir of animated squirrels (Oh how I miss you, Blue Mountain Ecards) welcoming me into the group as its fifth, long-lost member.

But that's not what happened. That's not what happened at all.

Because when I clicked upon the link, I received some kind of message telling me that the "Fabulous 4" was actually a closed group ... that if I knew what was best for me, I'd get my sorry little ass out of there before someone from administration came over and pointed out my shortcomings until I just went ahead and slit my throat.

I mean ... Why is Facebook suddenly perfect fodder for a Judy Blume book?

Is the new Facebook confusing, like getting your period for the first time?

Is it good that people can now privatize their content ... so that racists - and other misunderstood populations - can now create focused groups(Have you gotten the invite to mine yet? It's called "RACISTS PSEUDO-ANONYMOUS")without getting so much public flack?

Will anything on the Internet ever go viral again if Facebook just becomes millions of secret societies?

Is this blog a complete ripoff of "Hipster Runoff," and should Carles sue Carly for all she's worth (approx. $1k)?

I'm not sure, but I've reactivated my Myspace account and burned off all my fingerprints just in case.

"AGEISM"

2010-09-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

I hate bringing up "The -isms," but DAMMIT!

At 23 years old, why am I suddenly the one bearing the brunt of ageism!?

Cuz there's a prejudice sweeping the land...

A prejudice against young comic geniuses like myself, who write and say funny things that would otherwise be immortalized if we could just poop and pee ourselves with the same level of impunity granted to the sick and dying.

Case in point (1): Betty White.

Case in point (2): "Shit My Dad Says"

Case in point (3): Absolutely every nursing home patient in America

These guys are just handed sitcoms and Saturday Night Live gigs on silver pla...bedpans, while the rest of us battle head-to-head, racing to link our names to every hash-tag that ever found its way onto the Internet.

AND FOR WHAT!?

For early-onset arthritis!? For 1 or 2 "likes" on Facebook!? For this!?

I mean...

ARE YOU LIIIIIiiiiiiiSsssTENNNING!? DO I HAVE TO CALL IT "REVERSE AGEISM" TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, AMERICA!?!?!

My name is Carly Erin Schleider, and no matter what you call it, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you say that I, too, "get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer" when the "vagina" coming out of my mouth holds not even 1/2 the weight of the "vagina" coming out of your senile grandfather ... 's mouth?

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M FUNNY, and IF FUNNY IS ONLY SOMETIMES, THEN ...

Oh I don't even know, just end my suffering already and euthanize me, plz.

"BRANDING"

2010-09-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

Today I'm opening up the floor to my readers.

Hey, readers! What do y'all think about the rising Tea Party? Is it "good?" Is it "bad?"

Here's what I think. (And by the way, the floor's now closed.)

I think the Tea Party's got all the answers. I think the Tea Party's my party.

Cuz I read somewhere that our country's in a mountain of debt, and in order to fix things, we've got to first protest everything that's ever happened in the history of our country. EVER.

It would seem, though, that my (and by the converting powers of my writing, your) party is losing "steam" thanks to cheap rhetorical gags.

...That the title "Tea Party" is somehow setting the movement back - making it seem more like a little girls club where we sit around giggling about scrotums, and less like a legitimate government threat.

CONFUSING? I'll say.

Because to me, "Tea Party" shouts, "don't you DARE fuck with me, Democrats, Republicans, and especially YOU, Polly FUCKING Pocket!"

And so I ask: Was going with the name "Tea Party" a boon to American freedom-makers, or a blip in personal branding? Can we rise above the White House's proverbial scrotum, or is America just too freaking immature?

Do yOOLONG for a more mature America?

"INSPIRATION"

2010-08-24T16:37:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I began this post over two weeks ago, when things like bed bugs and Barack Obama were still relevant topics.

Is it me, or is life bleaker than ever?

I mean, I just can't understand how we are still expected to wake up every morning and say, "Gee, I sure am proud to be/wish I were an American" when the president of the United States is funneling all of our country's educational stimulus money into the smut industry.

How we are still expected to reconcile the opportunity cost of marriage when Tiger Woods' ex-womanthing is only getting away with $100 million.

How we are still expected to find joy in sex when we know that the beds we, ourselves, are fucking in are being shared with tiny, little creatures who are getting fucked - and to climax, as the ever-growing population would indicate - at  54,832,984,527,089,703,419,837,981 times the rate.

I find all these things increasingly difficult, and then...

There's that wrought iron wall hanging of mine, reminding me to "Dream" even when the president seems a little gay and I've got bugs squirming through my panties.

There's that inspiring message printed on my 100-calorie snack pack, reminding me to "light a scented candle and relax" when I'm not too busy reading other inspiring messages on bottle caps, or thinking about how fat I am.

There's that "Eat, Pray, Love" movie/dynasty, reminding me that all I need to do to start my quest for self-discovery is turn on the Home Shopping Network and order an embroidered tapestry/power bead bracelet/dream journal/spice blend collection/silk tunic/floor pillow/wooden elephant figurine. ( I own them all!)

And so I say.

Life really is beautiful, and if it takes a little reminding here and there - "NO TURN ON RED (Relax, you are a woman! Smell the flowers!)" - so be it.

"LOOPHOLE"

2010-08-09T16:22:00.001-07:00

A 7-year-old girl selling lemonade at an Oregon craft fair was recently forced to close shop after failing to show a county inspector her restaurant license.

The inspector threatened the crying girl and her mother with a $500 fine, insisting that their business violated several health codes and that he wanted to "secure [his] position as the least fuckable man on the planet."

Well put, and well played.

EXCEPT.

In walked the chairman of Somewhere, OR, who was all like,

"Poisoning the masses through lemonade stands is a classic, iconic American kid thing to do, and I don't want to be in the business of shutting that down."

So, the health inspector had to lift the embargo, and now children are once again allowed to sell things without risking exorbitant fines and/or lifetime imprisonment.

Uh... Am I the only one who sees this as problematic!? A loophole, if you will?

Because here's the thing.

When I was around 7 years old, my best friend A____ and I went around her neighborhood selling all sorts of miscellanea. You know, shit we found around her house - packets of fruit snacks, a single Puppy Surprise puppy (that I actually pocketed for myself as soon as I ripped it out of its mommy's Velcro uterus), and all of her siblings' belongings - that we deemed to have great value.

And you know what? People bought it. ALL of it.

Maybe it was because we were rich kids selling to a neighborhood of rich McMansioners who didn't know any better ... or maybe [and probably] it was because A____ had really thick glasses and braces at a young age, and people probably thought she was a 'lil slow.'

But whatever the case, we made bank ... and for all the wrong reasons.

Children CAN'T be the answer to a failing formal economy. Just because they're CUTE, doesn't mean they should get paid for spiking your lemonade with iodine and Justin Beiber's pube trimmings.

And so where do we draw the line? If children can sell us all tainted lemonade just because they're cute, then why shouldn't they go ahead and maximize their profits with handguns, illegal drugs, and slaves!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Cuz at the end of the day, I'm not sure I could resist a bump of coke if it came from the hands of a young, innocent entrepreneur. And I'm not sure you could, either.

"PROTECTION"

2010-07-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

Does anybody here read the news?

I usually only have enough time to read my Facebook news-feed, but sometimes - and particularly when I remember that I'm living among conscientious people in a city of universities and other institutions that think gays, immigrants in Arizona + some other states, and other societal refugees should have rights - I get around to looking at front-page pictures, so that I may quickly, though accurately, conclude what the condition of the world must be.

(THAT WAS THE LONGEST SENTENCE I'VE EVER WRITTEN.)

Today, The New York Times [50% of the Mein Times media cocktail] featured a story on the Appleseed Project, a group of boot camps dedicated to training Americans to pick up the big guns and shoot their governments.

Finally!

People, and particularly Americans, need to be prepared for the worst. And when it comes down to it, the "worst" means allowing people who contradict our own personal beliefs and ideals to remain alive.

Props to you, Appleseed Project! You really hit - or should I say, "shot" - the nail/bullet/musket ball on the head with this one.

One thing, though - why are you only teaching one kind of warfare?

All governments aren't created equal, and that means we certainly can't kill them all through the white-boy marksmanship you're teaching.

Did I say "white-boy?" Yeah, because I'm pretty sure Barack Obama is blackish.

You think when we rise up against the Obama administration, brother's gonna fight back with a rifle? Nahhhhhhh, boi.

Unlike the late Bush administration, which chose to fight back against its people with antiquated Civil War bayonets, the Obama administration fights dirtay.

Because, like I said, Barack Obama is blackish. And blackish in the "street way," not the "African bush people" way.

What I'm getting at is that if we want to be effective in our government takeovers, we need to fight fire with fire, and black administrations with black tactics.

So if you feel the way I feel, please join me in forming our own local/Internet chapter of the Appleseed Project.

Lesson one begins next Monday and will be live-streamed on Youtube. The topic is "drive-by shootings."

"SABOTAGE"

2010-07-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys. Do you ever hate your friends? Because I do.

And not even in that girl way.

I mean, we all know that girls are supposed to hate their friends. It's just that they're extremely fickle, and can't help but be perpetually afflicted with PMS/menopause/post-menopause menopause.

But I'm pretty sure my current Friend Hatred defies all these prescribed gender norms and/or bodily functions ... even when the rest of society (a makeshift tampon) seems to be collapsing under the weight of so much unchecked reproductive blood.

I simply hate 'em!

For god's sake. Just the other day, a "friend" trolling about my Facebook dared to post something "funny" underneath something funny I had posted.

Oh really?

The bitch got more cyberspace thumbs-up than I did.

Alright, "friend." Is MY Facebook YOUR personal venue for egotistic, pseudo-funny expression? NO. MY Facebook is MY venue for egotistic, pseudo/fuck that, I'm hilariously funny expression.

As for you, "friend." You may only LOOK at my Facebook for inspirational and/or masturbational purposes.

Pull another one your pseudo-funnies, and I'm going to have to murder you.

Hockey-stick-to-the-throat style.

"GROUP MEMBERSHIP"

2010-07-18T08:39:00.001-07:00

About a month ago I spoke about the value of groping coworkers' breasts. How nipple tweakings and genital brush-bys stimulate inter- and intra-personal communication, and work to smooth out the oftentimes crippling rigidities of first weeks on the job.

Communication, communication, communication!

Well, to stimulate even further communication, my boss recently set up a Google Group.

How wonderful! If there's one thing I wish to do after coming home from a day on the job - where I deal with eternal questions like "What do you do when a student comes plowing through the door with a Tupperware full of half-dead goldfish?" - it's to sit back, relax, and blog about my daily work experiences.

I've become so rapt in the Google discourse, that I've come terribly close to terminating MG several times now. So I can focus on higher-order concerns, like spearheading the movement for Twitter-operated school administrations.

But in the meantime, this Google Group is really making a world of difference in both students' and teachers' lives alike.

Cause it felt really good blogging about the kid who accidentally sawed off his own arm during lunch period the other day ... Like I'm finally doing something right.

Blogging about these kinds of things helps prevent them from happening ... tomorrow.

I hope this post doesn't get me fired. Kinda.

"PERSONALIZATION"

2010-07-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

So I have to apologize once again for taking such a long time to update you all on what's going on in the world.

But just as before, my excuse here is both tasteful and genuine ... like the fundamental practices of Scientology.

The truth is, I've been really hung up on Lindsay Lohan's latest jail sentence. Specifically, my days and nights have been occupied by super intense - and cocainey - brainstorming sessions in which I've been thinking long and hard about just what heinous crime I need to commit to get thrown into that jail cell with her.

(So that we can mistakenly release a Behind-the-Bars sex tape that propels me out of this plebeian, FreakiLESS Friday lifestyle.)

But now I'm back and ready to talk about things. In fact, I'm going to start talking about something in the following sentence.

This summer I'm turning 23, and I'm trying to figure out a really unique and memorable way to celebrate me. Last year, I celebrated by successfully sueing MTV for being ageist, and starred in my own, one-of-a-kind episode of "My Super Sweet 22." (Did you see it? I looked really hot, and it was a lot of fun!)

But I think it'd be kinda cliche for me to do the same thing again, and MTV's kinda become waaayy to mainstream for my own personal brand, anyway.

So instead, I think I'm gonna get a really cute picture of my face printed on a cake and invite all of my friends to come over and eat it!

I think people are best able to appreciate the unique and subtle "flavors" of friendship when they're given the opportunity to literally eat their friends.

And since movies like Silence of the Lambs have so irreversibly stigmatized the relationship-building practice of cannibalism, cake face printing is the next-best thing.

But, as it goes with most things, cake prints are also fatally flawed.

Cake is just another victim of the hegemonic discourse characterizing most everything in this country. Because last time I checked, cake is a pretty fucking white thing.

Like ... I'm pretty sure Asian people don't celebrate birthdays with the flour, eggs, and sugar we're used to. And I'm pretty sure black people like cake, but they'd still much prefer that everything were battered and deep-fried.

What I'm getting at here is that birthdays were invented for white people, by white people. And it's time for this to change.

So if I don't post another thing for another month, it's probably because I'm working desperately hard to equalize the birthday playing field, and figure out how to print multicultural faces onto individual grains of rice and/or fried chicken.

Cake is tasty, but when you examine it closely, it looks less like a relic of celebration, and more like a threat of intensifying ethnocentrism and re-instated indentured servitude.

This is our time to turn things around. This is our time to figure out how to print black peoples' faces onto drumsticks.

"EMPATHY"

2010-06-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, it's just that I've been really busy empathizing with disabled reality TV stars and thinking about starting my own Little Person talent scouting agency.

I'll admit it: until recently, I thought that television was completely devoid of value. I thought that it was nothing more than sex, drugs, and rock & - excuse me, alternative country.

But upon flipping on the TV and seeing how there are Little People out there who train pit bulls, I realized that it's really me who's devoid of value.

Because shows like these actively defy the social order and invalidate many harmful stereotypes (except for the one that says that Little People are small, and that this makes it especially powerful to document their struggles with hard-to-reach items). They teach us that Little People often have the biggest hearts.

And as I'm sure you've caught on by now, MG's also got a big heart. So big, in fact, that it's almost worthy of its own reality TV show about sensitive bloggers with enlarged hearts.

Which only means that it's time to up the big-heart ante.

This is what I'm thinking: In my show, there's also a Little Person training pit bulls, but this is just a coincidence. Because in my show, all the pit bulls are walking with prosthetic legs.

And like most pit bulls, these guys didn't exactly come from the nice part of town. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Not only are their legs fake, but they're also made out of hastily-crafted, wooden chair legs.

And do you have ANY IDEA what this kind of programming could do for people? Just exactly how much this could help shape the way we think about, and treat, things that overcome other things!? It's positively confounding!

Oh, heavens above. In the words of popular singer-songwriter Leslie Feist - who's admittedly able-bodied, but also Canadian - "I feel it all."

My heart is heavy, my pit bulls are mobile, and there are at least 54 Little People lined up at my door right now, preparing themselves for the audition of their lives.

"TEAM BUILDING"

2010-06-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Team building activities are really important for forming good relationships with your co-workers.

I came to this realization just yesterday, when I was lucky enough to have participated in a day-long stretch of feeling up complete strangers while we stood, flamingo-style, on things that were far too small to support us.

Between the trust falls, waaaaaaaaacky hula hoop antics, and what-kind-of-animal-do-you-identify-with name games, I think I groped eight sets of breasts, rubbed genitals with just as many aroused men, and laughed at one really ethnic name that I could never pronounce and that also made me wonder, "What the fuck are you doing in this country tweaking my nipples?"

But what really made these exercises so great were all the invaluable lessons they taught us. To briefly sum everything up, communication is really important when you're trying to get things done.

If you're not communicating, it also means you're not talking, and talking is very important when it comes to communicating, which is really important when it comes to getting out of human knots and also most careers.

I woke up this morning feeling really trusting of the human race and like we're really capable of anything if we just talk it out. I really hope I get to do more team building exercises in the future, hope I get to learn more about my weaknesses and strengths and how I can apply them to organizational settings.

And maybe also feel that pleasant burning sensation in my special region again.

"FADS"

2010-06-06T09:07:00.001-07:00

I'm really astounded by fads. They just have this flawless way of taking things that should only appeal to homeless crackheads, and making them appeal to upper-middle class brats like myself.

A friend recently told me about a new fad called "Crazy Bands." Crazy Bands are rubber band bracelets that form crrraaaaaaaaaazzzzy shapes (sandcastles, hearts, peace signs, M16's) when you remove them from your wrists.

With so many shapes and colors to chose from, they make for really powerful self-expression, communicating our personalities, hobbies, hopes and fears, as well as our parents' failed attempts at buying our compliance.

You know, these bands really harken back to the fads of my own youth. In particular, I remember when we used to stretch wristbands out of plastic bottle cap liners, gussying up arms with perpetually yellowing plastic bracelets that remained on until we lost our virginity.

This fad was really good at teaching us about sexual health because we knew never to chance it with scrappy bracelet hotties ... these 7th graders had sex with everything and everyone, and if we wanted to remain STD free at least until high school, we'd have to resist the temptation and keep our eyes focused wristward.

But we also knew not to hit the bleachers with just any old Armful. A kid with too many bracelets just wasn't getting any ... wasn't able to unhook your overalls without getting twisted up in knots, let alone diddle your skittle.

Which leaves me wondering ...

How are the kids of today learning about safe/mind blowing sex? Crazy Bands? Croc Jibbitz? Abstinence-only vampires?

I'm really afraid that the fads of today are just too tepid, too focused on personal expression and self-actualization instead of sexual stewardship and ghonneria prevention.

Are you worried about our undersexed youth? What Crazy Band shape represents you? Are homeless people better trendsetters?

"SEPARATION"

2010-06-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

After 40 years of aggressive, open-mouth kissing, Al and Tipper Gore have decided to separate. Sources report that there were no extramarital affairs involved, and that the couple had simply "grown apart" after 40 years of Al growing puffier and becoming increasingly unable to distinguish the human form from trees.

This confuses me; politicians are supposed to have extramarital affairs! Blowing their loads into strange women is the only thing they can do to keep the power from getting to their heads!

Clinton, Kennedy, Giuliani, Edwards, Spitzer ... all of these men have gone down in history as principal architects of the peace process - men who silenced their wee-wees instead of pushing buttons and randomly blowing up countries, or having sex with their own wives, who were far too ugly to fuck.

You know, I recently read that Barack Obama has been making late-night phone calls to Oprah Winfrey. This makes sense to me because they are both black people.

But Al Gore, what's up with him? Has standing up for the environment made him too much of an emotional softie to cheat on his wife with a hotter babe? Is Al Gore a "faggot?" Would you feel more at home in this country if the Opramah Affair were confirmed?

I would.

"AFFECTION"

2010-05-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had significant others just so I could post really cute videos of myself expressing affection on their Facebook walls.

I would be in my PJs, or maybe just a wife beater and some old gym shorts, so everybody would know how down-to-earth our relationship is/I am. They'd wish they had that kind of intimacy with their significant others/were in a relationship with me, because we don't need to hide our feelings from society/the camera loves me.

People will see us/me in public and feel a great surge of warmth pulse through their bodies/want to engage in down-to-earth sex.

They'd know that our relationship/my body is full of quirk and whimsy/looks good in a thin coat of sweat, and that we/I share many personal inside jokes/work out.

So when's it gonna be my time to show you/everyone how I'm "the one"/great masturbation fodder? When's that little black dot at the top center of my computer screen gonna bring us/me closer together/international acclaim?

I have so much love to give, but I just haven't found the right Facebook friend yet.

"TECHNOLOGY"

2010-05-17T16:24:00.001-07:00

I'm really worried about the recent oil spill.

According to the environmental protective agency responsible for putting holographic, endangered species trading cards on Herbal Essences bottles, women are removing so much hair from their bodies through electrolysis and asshole waxes, that the efforts to absorb the spill with human hair just isn't cutting it.

What this effectively means is that in a few month's time, we won't be able to order certain nature-y things - chilean sea bass and caviar, for example - when we take our clients out to fancy lunches. Instead, we will be restricted to diets of land mammals, fowl, and snakes.

And while all these options are injected with hormones and other taste enhancers that make our knuckles grow hair and our nipples glow in the dark, they are still much healthier than the pollack swimming through "Beyond Petroleum" petroleum (Ingredients: Petroleum, crack cocaine, high-fructose corn syrup).

But hey, wait... Isn't TECHNOLOGY supposed to fix the earth? And isn't the 5,000 ft. deep underwater oil well a bit of an antiquated technology?

I mean ... wells. WELLS. Weren't "wells" all the rage, like, when everyone lived in the desert and Jesus was nailed to the cross (via Jews)!?!? And weren't "wells" all the rage when PCs ruled the technosphere and Macs were just kinda "queer?"

I guess what I really mean to say is:

Apple should be held accountable for this oil spill.

I mean, WHY has this "leader in innovative technologies" not yet gotten its shit together and figured out how to drill for oil with a new line of iPod nano's? Why can't we retire physical oil barrels and instead trade the commodity through digital stores that offer special iTunes cross promotions and visualizers that pulsate to the rhythm of our gasoline highs?

Really. I'm baffled by how Apple can just stand there selling iPads while the rest of the environment crumbles because of its lack of foresight. I feel like Steve Jobs has about the same grasp on technology as Moses did - both WELL PEOPLE, both environmental terrorists.

So what do we do? Pretend that it's going to be ok as soon as the oil's been sopped up with human hair, prayer, and a giant Tampax? Or face the facts and develop new Apps that address the global crises of today.

It's our world, and it's our decision. Are we gonna develop a new touchscreen interface that singlehandedly replenishes the land with [formerly] "limited" resources and fills in the ozone layer? Or are we just gonna sit back and be environmental terrorists?

"SPORT"

2010-05-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Sports are really good at perpetuating stereotypes.

Thanks to sports, we now know that anyone who plays softball is a stocky, weeble-shaped lesbian, that anyone who runs marathons is an anemic nipple-bleeder, that anyone who plays lacrosse is a rich, clean cut ivy leaguer (save for the few who murder their girlfriends), and that anyone who plays football is predisposed, and actually expected to murder his girlfriend.

Cycling, however, runs the stereotype gamut. At one end, you've got "actual cyclists," who only break from peddling to take bites out of Clif bars and to tend to their chaffing buttocks. At the other end, you've got "aesthetic cyclists," who zip around the streets with their earbuds in and who subconsciously match their road bikes with their skinny jeans. (That's why every aesthetic cyclist has more than one road bike.)

Unlike basketball players (whom I hate for their money), badminton ballers (whom I love for their dedication to the shuttlecock), and bench warmers (whom I'm condemned to fuck), I can't decide whether I love or hate this second category of biking humans.

In one sense, I'm really happy that these people have finally found something that calls for physical movement... I was getting really tired of constantly having to turn them over so they didn't develop bedsores while waiting for their bit torrents to download.

But then ... what exactly are these people trying to pull? How can they live with themselves when they're single-handedly responsible for downgrading sport to mere fashion statement?

Look. I know I've been talking a lot about fashion lately, and I don't want to give off the impression that I just came back from murdering Joan Rivers so I could steal her job... (Did I? Guess you'll have to check and see if #RIPJoanRivers is a trending topic.)

...But when you really think about it, these "bikers" and their "bikes" have absolutely nothing to do with function, and everything to do with fashion.

JESUS CHRIST, why did you think so many people purchased bikes with sweet vintage baskets even when they didn't have working breaks? Why did you think so many people came to full stops by scraping their TOMS against the gravel?

And yet ...Oh god ... The real honest truth is ... I just want to be cool, too! TELL ME WHY,OH WHY, DID MY PARENTS HAVE TO BEQUEATH ME WITH A $600 MOUNTAIN BIKE!?!?!

Cuz I don't wanna have to wear khaki flares from Old Navy just because that's what my bike says I should be doing ... I wanna be cool!

I wanna wear a thick metal chain around my waist and peddle down the streets with my half-shaved head of hair blowing through the wind!

I wanna throw my helmet in the trash and swivel in and out of oncoming traffic because my dream bike is so skinny, it's 2 dimensional!

I want to, and I must.

Otherwise, I'll always be stuck in this dark place without any sense of who I am. I ride a bike, yes, but I don't like Clif bars, and my love-handles are too pronounced for me to ride a road bike with any sense of authority.

What do I do? Who am I? Where is the nearest Old Navy?

"SARCASM"

2010-05-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

A reader recently questioned whether or not Mein Google was really homophobic, or just taking a stab at "sarcasm." Well reader, here's your answer.

Everything on Mein Google should be taken at face value. When I say gay people give me diarrhea, I mean it. (I have such bad gastrointestinal problems!) When I suggest selling your children into slavery, I mean it, too.

Because frankly, I don't have time for sarcasm. And I don't get it, either. It's like ... "Are you saying what I think you're saying? Or are you saying something else?"

So please don't think of me as the Janeane Garofalo of the blogosphere, because there are no double meanings lurking beneath these words.

I am Mein Google. Nothing more, nothing less.

PS - I have the journalistic integrity of Joseph Goebbels. (Miss you, JG!!!)

"FASHION"

2010-04-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

Coupling disease with fashion is always a great idea because it allows us to quickly cure worldwide epidemics. (And marketing crises.)

Fact 1: We would never be able to cure the AIDS plague without the help of celebrity spokesmodels.

Fact 2: We would never be able to locate Africa on a map if Emporio Armani didn't come out with (product)RED-tinted sunglasses.

Fashion heals, guys. Fashion saves.

And yet ... Are you ever worried that one day we'll use fashion to turn against each other?

For example. The cannibal Holocaust hits, and EVERYONE STARTS FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER!!!! Tell me: who do you eat, and who do you save?

THIS is where I worry fashion will fracture our solidarity as a human race.

Judging by the social climate of my own college campus, I know that many would choose their victims based on outerwear alone. Because here you're either an American Apparel Hoodie Warrior, a North Face Fleece Crusher, or an ethnic minority.

And what's underneath, well, that doesn't count.

Whether you're wearing a Victoria Secret PINK T-shirt expressing your love for nature and all around free-spirit (LIVE LIFE, BREATHE AIR,CRAVE NATURE, LOVE FREE, MOSS ON MY TITS, PINK), or a Smiths band T inspired by Zooey Deschanel's knockout [boring] performance in "(500) Days of Prescribing Mid-00's Youth Culture," it's what's outside that's gonna save you, or get your limbs ripped off.

Because what it all really boils down to is our ability to recognize friend from foe, our ability to give someone the quick up-and-down and say, "I like/hate you."

No matter what anyone else says, our outerwear honestly and truly represents our [personal] personalities. It defines who we are, and who we are not.

I know that when I see someone in a North Face zip-up (unless it's me), for example, we are not playing for the same team ... and that I probably wouldn't hesitate to murder her in cold blood if the times called for it.

Does that make me a bad person?

Oh fashion, you confuse me so much. Should I suffer for you, or allow others to suffer at your hand?

"PARENTING"

2010-04-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

Being at that "What Now?" crossroad in my life, where I wake up every morning realizing that the only real options open to me are joining the ranks of unemployed, going back to school and studying something completely vapid, and/or collecting free land in the Midwest and starting a cult, I'm constantly being reminded by my mother to shape the fuck up, get hitched, and make some kids. (You're 22 now. Aim for a ring by 24. Pop the first one out at 25. Trust me.)

I think about it for a little, channeling all the upsides of hopping into bed with the next boat-shoed bro strolling down campus, and then the naysayer in me pokes its head:

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE UPSIDES TO HAVING CHILDREN?

People used to be able to sell their children into slavery. It was, like, culturally-sanctioned, and the more babes you shat out, the more pocket change you had for bread and butter and 25 cent glances at bearded women/caged Amazonians in furry pelts.

Not anymore. Today's generation is supposed to "keep" its children. Provide them with "better lives" than they, themselves, had.

Ok. But WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME??!?!?!?!?!?

I've been doing a lot of research, and as it turns out, culturally-sanctioned child exploitation still exists.

Introducing YouTube, the best vehicle for exploiting your children without directly selling them into slavery.

YouTube allows you to become filthy rich by simply feeding your wee ones with lines that would only otherwise be spoken by big, black men caught up in drive-by shootings.

So say you've got a cute, 3-year-old blondie for a daughter. Excellent! Set her up in front of a camera, tell her she's hosting a cooking show, then, when the time's right - "Let's get serious. Cookies are serious. This is Grandma Wendy's recipe. DON'T SCREW IT UP. I WILL BREAK YOU! I WANT TO BREAK YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, GRANDMA!"

And you know what? I don't feel so bad about having kids anymore. With all the social capital I'll gain from capturing every time my baby has a night terror and screams the N word through her baby monitor live-feed, going through labor doesn't seem like such a bad deal.

No more crib mobiles and vomit-enducing baby spinners. The future of baby showers looks like this: iPhones, iPads, BlackBerry's, CrackBerry's, and Halle Berry's. All in blue and pink.

Because this is the only way to keep conception culturally relevant. This is the only way to keep the human human race going.

"YOUTH"

2010-04-17T07:28:00.001-07:00

Hey, guys. Is today's generation of young people the dumbest one to ever walk the planet?

I've been reading through the comment sections of a lot of reputable news websites lately, and as it turns out, everyone under the age of 30 is a rich, college progressive who doesn't know his left from his far left, and can't seem to get his head out of Karl Marx's anal cavity.

Should college students spare themselves the embarrassment and just settle for capitalism/fascism?

Should we keep the national homicide rate unrealistically low by encouraging more people to take out their rage on young, comment-section mongoloids?

Is the volcanic ash blanketing Europe just a metaphor for college idealists pulling the wool over their eyes?

YES, YES, YES!

"EXPERIMENTATION"

2010-04-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

In a recent interview with the College of New Jersey's student publication, The Perspective, former presidential candidate and obese man Mike Huckabee compared same-sex adoption to scientific experimentation.

"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, 'how does this [electrical shock collar] work?'"

Well I know how it works - and it ain't pretty.

As word of Mein Google was only just picked up by the Texas Board of Education, and I was immediately commissioned to write a series of [morally-sound] early education science texts, I recently found myself conducting scientific research of my own at a middle school science fair in Iowa.

Yes, Iowa. The same Iowa that not too long ago legalized same-sex marriages. The same Iowa that not too long ago dubbed cosmopolitans its real cash crop. (Sorry, corn, but you're just not "keeping up with the times.")

And boy, did it show.

You know what I saw? Do you know what I fucking saw?

6th grade: the onset of girl bi-curiosity. Two tween girls sneaking kisses behind tri-boards and squirting K-Y jelly into baking soda volcanoes.

7th grade: the onset of boy bi-curiosity. Two balls-a-droppin' boys making glory holes out of mazes designed to demonstrate the effects of light on plant growth. (Typically, the light peeking through the tunnels makes plants grow. In Iowa, it makes penises prematurely ejaculate rainbows.)

8th grade: everybody's fucking sick and g-a-y: Is this the eight grade annex or that crazy orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut? I'm pretty sure when I was in eighth grade, experimental designs didn't typically call for students to strap on stirrups, get down on all fours, and shove ball gags into each other's mouths. JESUS CHRIST!

Yes folks, this is what happens when children become pawns in the gay agenda.

And still, you occupy your time criticizing Hunkabees' (sic) stab at gay adoption!?!?!?!?!?!? I believe your time would be better spent getting electroshock therapy treatments and erasing your mind.

"CINEMA"

2010-04-10T07:30:00.001-07:00

My past two years on earth have been clouded by a deep depression.

This depression, I should tell you, is unique from all the other depressions I've invented in my mind's DSM ... I just can't pinpoint it, and no matter how frequently/fervently I shake hands with the unemployed (read: masturbate), I can't seem to snap out of it.

But wait. Hasn't it ALSO been two years since the last Sex and the City movie came out? And wasn't that the last time I truly felt happiness? The last time I truly laughed? The last time I truly felt blessed to have so many rich girlfriends?

YES!

If you're reading this - which you are - chances are you've been feeling this way, too. WELL GOOD NEWS - Sex and the City 2 is hitting theaters May 27!

And this time, Carrie and the gang are living it up in the Middle East!

Let me just say - I'm soooooo excited that the girls have made Abu Dhabi their new urban playground. I think it's really going to do a lot to change our general misconceptions of Abu Dhabi, as well as the rest of the Orient.

Things are a'happening, guys! Before we know it, people are going to be taking bus tours of gourmet, Abubeite cupcake boutiques! Before we know it, Cosmo headlines are gonna reflect a politic of inclusion, rather than one of ethnocentrism! ("50 Hot Ways to Touch Your Man ... in Abu Dhabi.")

I look forward to all the "big" laughs, "big" realizations, and "big" world changes waiting just around the corner.

"MUSIC"

2010-04-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

Have you guys ever heard of "music?" Do you like it? Do you wanna be a mega music sensation?

Well, do I have news for you: I've discovered the formula for creating perfect overnight hits! Behold:

(toyl) + (strwl) + (dyb) = T40GTNM

(turning on your laptop) + (shout-talking really waaaacky lyrics) + (deciding you're bisexual) = TOP 40 GOLD THE NEXT MORNING

For all those non-believers out there ... just try it out!!!!!

MG SMASH [BISEXUAL] HIT CONTEST

Readers: You have ONE WEEK to write and record an original, 30 second theme song for Mein Google.

The only three rules are that the lyrics must be 1) shout-talked, 2) waaaacky, and 3) indicative of your bisexuality.

Winner will have his/her/zir song posted on this blog for all eternity! Winner will also get something else, but I don't know what it is yet. So don't ask.

Send all entries to meingooglygoo@gmail.com

GO FORTH AND TURN ON YOUR LAPTOPS!

"POSTMODERN"

2010-04-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

If I had a neon Pomeranian for every time someone mentioned post-mdrnsm in my presence, I'd not only be rich in neon Pomeranians, but also in thoughts of murder. (Didn't you get the memo? The poms shoot lasers out of their furry little assholes!)

GODDAMIT. How long is it gonna take for everyone to realize POSTMODERNISM DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN ANYTHING.

Seriously. Postmodernism is just a blanket term for our latent mental retardation.

And before you get all huffy about it, let me just clarify - When I say "retarded," I don't mean it in that offensive way ... I mean it in the other way.

So now that we've got that settled, let's get back to business.

Since when did it become acceptable to say something is "postmodern" just because it's retarded and makes no sense? Since when did "postmodernism" officially replace the "ummmm's" and "uhhhhh's" of human confusion?

You know what? I don't even care. Cause from here on out, I'm not gonna accept "postmodernism" into my dialect until everyone else accepts what I've been arguing are legitimate uses of the post prefix for YEARS now.

Post-lunch (dinner)
Post-Aniston (Jolie)
Post-alarm clock (snooze)
Post-snooze (snooze)
Post-Obama (Socialism)
Post-past (present)
Post-tomorrow (the day after tomorrow)
Post-puberty (premature sex)
Post-GED (obesity)
Post-cookie (milk)
Post-pp (poopie)
Post-marriage (divorce)

I really don't think I'm making too many demands here. I mean, is the Pope black? Are monkeys tiny giraffes? Exactly. Postmodernism.

"NEWS"

2010-04-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

According to smart people who say things, broadcast is on the verge of being niche-fucked into obscurity.

With broadband connections enabling "citizen journalists" to ejaculate stories into the universe at ridiculous speeds - currently, RSS feeds update at 299,792,459 meters per second, roughly 1 meter per second faster than the speed of light - what's considered newsworthy varies from person to person, depending on his particular brand of media cocktail.

The power to color the world, in other words, is now truly in the hands of the people.

Just by bookmarking certain sites and ignoring others, for example, I have the power to choose whether or not everything in my world - including the sun, moon, and stars - is a conspiracy, or whether or not everything in my world happens for a reason. (Don't get me wrong: 9 out of 10 times, the reason is because I act out of benevolence, and you act out of greed.)

My world is vastly different from [and superior to] yours, and your world is vastly different from [and inferior to] mine.

"So," you may ask yourself, "where do I fall in this equation?"

Well, just take a look at the political tones and journalist traditions shaping your life right now. Chances are you subscribe to one of the follow four world views:

The Huffington Enquirer

Democracy Nation

Gorilla vs. Fork

Or, of course, Mein Times

I look at these four categories and worry that the current media are dividing us on all fronts ... will the media grow so fragmented that news vendors eventually have to duke it out, via nuclear warfare, to gain substantial readership?

Will the Internet make us less worldly citizens than we were when the only thing worth doing on a computer was playing Ski Free?

Yes, and yes.

"PRIVACY"

2010-03-29T18:39:00.001-07:00

Hi, everyone.  Tonight's the first night of Passover, which got me thinking - are you ever worried that someone's gonna hijack all of your social networking accounts and then kill you?

I mean, just today I got another update from Mark Zucky telling me that FB's privacy policy is changing again, and that I better act fast and "do something complicated" unless I want my naked keg-stand photos showing up where I don't want them - you know, like projected onto the National Mall via hologram and stuff.

But that's not what worries me. I'm not worried about FB privacy policy, or ... say, the fact that Google owns the rights to everything I've ever typed, looked at, or masturbated to on the computer - that's just child's play!

(Side note: if those fucking Goog workers could just for one second stop talking about how their desk chairs are really just sliding boards, and how their company is so progressive they can wear human feces to work and take vacations whenever they want, they'd realize that MG is gonna own their asses - and probably some cute, third-world countries - in just a matter's time.)

Like I said before, what really worries me is that some crazy is going to hack onto all of my profiles, sabotage my cultural relevance, and then slit my throat.

But maybe there are worse things. I mean ... what if someone decides to not only murder the white, female, Jewish me of real life, but ALSO the black, male, Whirling Dervish me of Second life!?!?!?!?!?!

Who's gonna remember me then? Nobody. WHO'S GONNA UPDATE MY POSTHUMOUS WIKI????!?!?!?!?!? Also nobody.

I usually don't like admitting to weakness, but readers: I'm scared.

"VOMITING ON SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY"

2010-03-28T07:11:00.001-07:00

In case you live outside the city made famous for housing the largest mall in America (and thusly serving as the "worldwide model for sustainability"), Syracuse University recently announced that JPMorgan Chase & Co. CEO Jamie Dimon will be delivering its 2010 commencement address.

“We are honored to have Jamie Dimon speak to our graduates,” says SU Chancellor and President Nancy Cantor. "His courageous act of pocketing $25 billion in bailout money should really inspire them to defecate on their fellow brethren."

So true, Chancy Nancy ... but at the same time, I can't help but think there are better candidates for the job.

JUST SUM PUBLIC FIGURES WHO ARE BETTER SUITED TO DELIVER THE 2K10 COMMENCEMENT ADDY:

Bo Obama, Courtney Love, Osama bin Laden, the inventor of Skechers, Carrot Top, Ke$ha, Famous Amos, Flipper, James Earl Jones, Anna Nicole Smith's exhumed body, Bernie Madoff, Keith Richards, Voldemort, Miley Cyrus, the cast of Little People, Big World, the cast of Jersey Shore, Pauly Shore, Clay Aiken, Dora the Explorer, Elizabeth Smart, Steve Buscemi, Lisa Loeb, the Unabomber, Freddie Prinze, Jr., T-Pain, this bulldog in black panties, Michael Vick, Nickelback, Sarah Jessica Parker and/or Palin, Richard Simmons, Pacman, Ricki Lake, Little Debbie, the bride of Chucky, Megan Fox, Ed Hardy, L. Ron Hubbard, me.

And seriously - FUCK YOU, SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY.

"TELECOMMUNICATIONS"

2010-03-25T08:00:00.001-07:00

Perhaps the greatest challenge facing our global community right now is how to address the enormous amounts of bandwidth our mobile devices require to run smoothly.

And it's not just about (though it's primarily about) being the first to know where in the world Jessica Simpson is right now, tabulating "The Price of Beauty," and educating us on how "some people" elongate their necks just to live up to society's standards.

IT'S ABOUT THE LOOMING WORLD THREAT!

The truth is that current telecommunications technology just doesn't cut it! Smartphones need to be smarter ... they need to be FASTER!

Every fraction of a micro-second delay is a threat to our security. Yes, we praise "real time" speed ... but with all these fraction-of-a-micro-second-delays, just how "real time" is it?

I'll tell you something. We turn our backs for one too many fractions of a micro-seconds, and we've got a September 12th on our hands.

And you tell me technology's moving too fast for us to keep up?

Smartphones NEED to be able to vibrate our molecules like microwaves! They need to be able to wirelessly (and sans-forklift) telecommunicate morbidly obese people out of their beds!

Until then, we'll never be safe.

You know, some people think our perpetual downward crotch gaze is rude, but what's really more important in the end: paying attention to a PowerPoint presentation, or keeping Twitter-tabs on the terror threat?

That's what I thought.

"EXHAUSTION"

2010-03-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

There's something wrong with this world when I wake up every day feeling more exhausted and beat down than a factory worker in China.

When I go to Starbucks every day for a pump of caffeinated corn syrup, even though it's raping me dry of life savings and turning my insides into plastic. (No, seriously. Just the other day my gynecologist told me that I have time-release Legos for ovaries, and that I'll probably give birth to conjoined Playmobils.)

What is wrong with our culture? Why don't we have afternoon siestas like they do in Spain? Why can't we sit around and eat cheese all day like they do in France?

Until I know the answers to these questions, I'll probably never be content to rest.

Until I know the answers to these questions, I'll probably continue damning the French way of life by staying up for obscene hours and spreading Velveeta on soggy white bread.

"TEMPTATION"

2010-03-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

This post goes out to all my lady MG readers out there.  (Although men are welcome to read, too.  Just  take heed and channel your mind's vagina.)

LADIES!  

Let's talk about that soft brown wonder we crave more than anything - yes, chocolate.

Every woman's most formidable opponent is the chocolate bon bon/chocolate-dipped bacon strip melting to the bottom of her purse.    

And while her midday fishing trip through purse detritus always yields a sweet release, it isn't without its harmful side-effects.  

In recognition of these effects, I've composed a list of safety precautions one must take when eating chocolate.

1.  Always eat chocolate in slow motion - this allows your body to better metabolize the chocolate, so you don't get fat and ugly.

2. Always eat chocolate in privacy - eating chocolate in public is like masturbating in public, which is only OK at night.

3. Always eat chocolate with your eyes closed - this way you can fantasize about George Clooney while you're eating the chocolate.  (And if an acquaintance mistakenly walks in on you during the act, he can't accuse you of being homosexual!)

Look.  I'm not saying "DON'T eat chocolate;" I'm simply urging you to play by the rules.

There's a fine line between giving into temptation, and giving into public indecency.       And the line is drawn in Godiva shavings.

"SPRING BREAK"

2010-03-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

MG Reader Poll

Which of the following Spring Break options is more gratifying?*

A. Rebuilding the Chocolate City (referred to as "New Orleans" by the liberal press) with Habitat for Humanity

B. Having one too many Jooses and getting abducted in Mexico

*I'll be posting my response next week when I get back from Mexico.

"DISTRACTION"

2010-03-12T16:05:00.001-08:00

For a long time I thought self-diagnosed ADD was the only thing to blame for never getting anything done.

Boy, was I wrong.

After YEARS spent bartering Adderall in university libraries and spicing up food with ground psychostimulant, what the fuck do I have to show for myself?

Enamel flakes for teeth and no more ability to concentrate?

Listen. The truth is, ADD doesn't exist. Like "cancer," it's just another social trend packaged as "disease."

The only thing really preventing us from getting work done is EXACTLY that image you see above.

YES/DUHHH, DOGS.

Oh, mercy, mercy me. You know I'm not one for final solutions - they've really created some awkward situations in the past - but someone's gotta lay down the law eventually, and that someone is me.

So either we,

1. Execute all dogs.

or

2. Execute each and every human who tweets, Youtubes, or even XANGAs dogs into prominent Internet existence.

Harsh? Perhaps.

But at the end of the day, it's our livelihoods we're talking about.

Is watching hour after hour of sneezing-puppy footage really worth going on welfare and sitting in our own meadow muffins? Or is execution our only way out?

"SENSE"

2010-03-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

Like Haley Joel Osmont in the days of yore*, I too have a sixth sense.

I don't know how to say this properly, and I'll probably never be able to say it without offending higher education, BUT.

I see minority status.

Really. Everywhere I go, I can't help but notice race, gender, class ... even when I'm not wearing my infrared stealth goggles!

Everyone's telling me it's wrong, but is it?

It seems to me that our tools of perception have become so watered-down by the rush for political correctness, that we've altogether forgotten the human form.

Honestly, how many of you can still distinguish a homo sapien from a tree? ... And you call this progress?

Perhaps I've got it backwards, but at the end of the day, I truly feel all the wiser for knowing who to fuck, and who to deforest.

*What ever happened to the little Mr? My sources tell me that he ditched playing leukemia patients to get fat and smoke weed with NYU students.

"COURTSHIP"

2010-03-08T10:46:00.001-08:00

Oh, readers. I know most of you live by the dictates of your Promise Rings, but have any of you ever tried wooing anybody before?

I've done it once or twice, and let me tell you - it sucks.

The extra time you spend taking a weekly shower and remembering not to eat garlic cloves after every meal really shoots down your overall productivity.

Which is why I wish I could condense all of my flirtings into a single Microsoft Excel document.

I mean, what are the downsides of expressing your desire to hump-grind through a polynomial equation!?

There aren't any.

"OVERCOMPENSATION"

2010-03-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever made up for falling behind in your job search by posting things on the Internet every five minutes? (Will someone finally discover me and crown me the next big - but not quite as gay - Perez Hilton?)

Have you ever made up for your disfigured face and pubey Jew hair by turning everything into a joke? (Will I finally be able to ha-ha-hustle that honey into coitus?)

Have you ever made up for not watching the Oscars by attending class the next day in blackface and a fat suit? (Will I finally know what it feels like to be Clareece "Precious" Jones?)

Good, neither have I.

"AWARENESS"

2010-03-03T19:04:00.001-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, the human brain can only process and compartmentalize three items: eating, sleeping, and AIDS awareness.

Proof?

Once I made the mistake of thinking about breast cancer by purchasing a limited-edition pink Swiffer WetJet, and GUESS WHAT!?

Brain overloaded, I forgot to eat, and instead of sleeping, I remained awake for three whole weeks, lubricating, swiffering, and re-lubricating my kitchen floor until I burned a hole through the tiles.

Listen. If you're going to support charitable causes, support the ones spread by monkeys and masturbated on by Bono.

'Cause if it ain't got Bono's seed in it, it's bound to give you [hello! hello!] vertigo. And probs kill you.

"MEIN GOOGLE"

2010-03-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

"So what you're saying is that Mein Google is a homosexual conspiracy?"

Yes.

"PEACE"

2010-03-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

Peace is surely an elusive thing these days.

We pray to our gods for it, write poetry for it, heck, we even shoot bombs at neighboring countries for it! And yet, peace still seems to escape us. Why? Where's that Peace R.O.I!?

You know, I've been thinking long and hard about it, and I'll tell you one thing: you can't have peace without first having peace of mind.

Obviously, peace of mind comes with feeling good. The problem with this is that nowadays, we're all so emotionally invested in not feeling good.

I mean, we read the news. (In 140 characters or less.) We watch Leonardo Dicaprio get murdered on screen, like, all the time. We deprive our bodies of the good stuff, maintaining macrobiotic diets and munching on clovers to stay alive.

And FOR WHAT?

Let me tell you - the only time I find peace of mind is when I stuff myself with empty carbohydrates. I find I can only reach spiritual clarity when I shed, nay, wrap! my stress in a tortilla and deep fry it.

What about this don't you understand, world? Peace is all in our diet!

And to help the world get a head start on its long-delayed journey,I established this diet point system last night in my sleep. Obviously, the higher the number, the better.

Stack of Pancakes: 4.5
Fried Chicken: 5
Fettuccine Alfredo: 7
Bacon: 7
Deep Fried Oreos: 6.5
Potato Chips: 4
Funnel Cake: 7.5

(Shoot for 50+ points a day.)

You know, there was a lot of controversy over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize this past year - I don't anticipate there'll be any dispute the next time around.

"CONTROVERSY"

2010-02-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hey, Google Image search - try not being SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE.

"AMERICA"

2010-02-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

You know what!? I'm GLAD almost anything I can purchase at the supermarket is made out of corn.

Because corn is delicious.

You think I give two shits that the tilapia I just ate was farm-fed Orville Redenbacher?

That's EXACTLY why it tasted so good!

Good grief, America. I wish you'd stop sabotaging taste with your activism.

"WISDOM"

2010-02-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

It’s a well-known fact that the only people in the world who play mahjong are old Jewish women.

It’s a less well-known fact that old Jewish women are the smartest people in the world. How do I know this?

As an aging Jewish woman myself, I can feel myself waking up smarter every day.

In fact, this post is essentially about how smart I am.

I am really smart.

"BELIEF"

2010-02-19T10:42:00.001-08:00

Belief is a really hard concept to pinpoint; it means something slightly, if not radically, different to everyone.

Suffice it to say, belief has caused much strife around the world - war, bloodshed, and philosophy.

So why, we ask ourselves, have CATS managed to live such relatively peaceful lives!?!?!

It's because CATS JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. They believe in NOTHING.

Oh readers, I'm SO confused: Is it better to curl up like a calico and just not give a fuck,or is "belief" the white ma... I mean,human's burden?

"STRENGTH"

2010-02-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Nothing builds strength and character like being married to Bobby Brown for 14 years.

Cocaine helps, too.

"LOVE"

2010-02-12T08:22:00.001-08:00

Hi readers, and happy Valentines Day.

What is "love?"

For some - and by some I mean me - love boils down to the everyday Asian Sensation with a machine gun.

What does love mean to you?

"TRANSCENDENCE"

2010-02-10T16:16:00.001-08:00

tran·scen·dence
n.

1. The quality or state of being entirely above the created universe.

2. The act of taking your lady in the bu... nay, in "bullet time" (see The Matrix), while focusing intently on her brown-eye.

"MATURITY"

2010-02-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

This image is self-explanatory.

"GLOBALISM"

2010-02-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

If you thought the Seattle WTO protests were scary - and they were, if just for the fact that the media had to actualize people with matted hair - then you won't BELIEVE what fate's got in store for us next.

According to Google Images, THIS is what the ongoing struggle against globalization will look like:

I don't know ... I'd even feel more comfortable if the search yielded a minotaur. But THIS!?

We've got some rough times ahead of us.

"PASSIVE AGGRESSION"

2010-02-05T13:35:00.001-08:00

FUCK walking a mile in someone else’s shoes; you never really know a person until you’ve shared a fridge with him.

Which begs the question: “What would happen to conflict-resolution conventions if we forced clashing parties to share the icebox?”

The Middle East is a classic, though completely hypothetical, case study:

Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu are forced to share a vegetable crisper. What happens?

They quickly come to understand that deep down, we as human beings all really desire the same things.

Crisp lettuce and a clean fucking fridge.

WORLD PEACE: 1 CHAOS: 0

"FEMINISM"

2010-02-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

The first item in need of a Mein Google lobotomy is that dreaded F Word, "feminism."

Yes, feminism. We all hate it - but do we actually know what it means?

Type "Feminism" into the Google search bar, and you come out with this:

Now I don't know about you - and frankly, you don't matter in this equation, anyway - but I'm fairly certain that THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FOURTH WAVE!

The child, though white, is so white that she actually claims minority status. In her childhood naivete, she tilts her head to the sky and asks, "Oh god above, is there a better place out there for really, really white people like me?"

Her doll, the only person in the world who will give her the time of day, obediently responds, "HEIL! ... I mean, YES, I AM A POWER LESBIAN!"

And so as you can see, things are a'changing. The Fourth Wave will not only place pasty white people (PWP) on the Axis of Oppression Map - which I've heard is going to become available on most new GPS systems - but ALSO defy antiquated lesbian doll stereotypes.

FEMINISM: 1 PATRIARCHY: 0

WELCOME

2010-02-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Carly.

There’s not too much you need to know about me except that I’m short – five feet on a good day – extremely smart, good looking, and, oh yeah, on a quest to crack the human condition.

This quest has taken me on quite the roller coaster ride. Over the past five months, I’ve completed an ethnographic study on Eskimos, followed and psychoanalyzed over 10,000 Twitter sex-bots, and locked myself, along with the entire cast of the Jersey Shore, into a giant straitjacket dangling over the ocean blue. (Thanks for the inspiration, David Blaine!)

Yes, I’ve certainly done an impressive lot these past couple months, but nothing’s granted me more insight into the human condition than my cocaine-induced (JK, heroin) Google Image search binge.

It all started with “Jenny Jones” – you know, Ricky Lake’s blonde rival. Upon typing in her name and browsing through the first, I don’t know, 20 results, I came across this image:

“PROVOCATIVE,” I thought.“Perhaps Google Image searches hold the key to the human condition!”

And alas, my friends, it turns out they do ... They do WAY HARD.

So I suggest you start ditching what you thought you knew.(If that means burning all of your diaries dating back to first grade, DO IT.)Because up until now – that is, without my benevolent intervention – you’ve been subscribing to an Ask Jeeves-level worldview. Lowly. Filthy. Puerile.

But this, my friends, THIS is the Google Image worldview. Elevated. Superior. Flawless.

THIS, my friends, is MEIN GOOGLE.

2010-01-11T15:58:00.001-08:00

CUMMING SOON