"PARENTING"

Being at that "What Now?" crossroad in my life, where I wake up every morning realizing that the only real options open to me are joining the ranks of unemployed, going back to school and studying something completely vapid, and/or collecting free land in the Midwest and starting a cult, I'm constantly being reminded by my mother to shape the fuck up, get hitched, and make some kids. (You're 22 now. Aim for a ring by 24. Pop the first one out at 25. Trust me.)

I think about it for a little, channeling all the upsides of hopping into bed with the next boat-shoed bro strolling down campus, and then the naysayer in me pokes its head:

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE UPSIDES TO HAVING CHILDREN?

People used to be able to sell their children into slavery. It was, like, culturally-sanctioned, and the more babes you shat out, the more pocket change you had for bread and butter and 25 cent glances at bearded women/caged Amazonians in furry pelts.

Not anymore. Today's generation is supposed to "keep" its children. Provide them with "better lives" than they, themselves, had.

Ok. But WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME??!?!?!?!?!?

I've been doing a lot of research, and as it turns out, culturally-sanctioned child exploitation still exists.

Introducing YouTube, the best vehicle for exploiting your children without directly selling them into slavery.

YouTube allows you to become filthy rich by simply feeding your wee ones with lines that would only otherwise be spoken by big, black men caught up in drive-by shootings.

So say you've got a cute, 3-year-old blondie for a daughter. Excellent! Set her up in front of a camera, tell her she's hosting a cooking show, then, when the time's right - "Let's get serious. Cookies are serious. This is Grandma Wendy's recipe. DON'T SCREW IT UP. I WILL BREAK YOU! I WANT TO BREAK YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, GRANDMA!"

And you know what? I don't feel so bad about having kids anymore. With all the social capital I'll gain from capturing every time my baby has a night terror and screams the N word through her baby monitor live-feed, going through labor doesn't seem like such a bad deal.

No more crib mobiles and vomit-enducing baby spinners. The future of baby showers looks like this: iPhones, iPads, BlackBerry's, CrackBerry's, and Halle Berry's. All in blue and pink.

Because this is the only way to keep conception culturally relevant. This is the only way to keep the human human race going.