"AFFECTION"

Sometimes I wish I had significant others just so I could post really cute videos of myself expressing affection on their Facebook walls.

I would be in my PJs, or maybe just a wife beater and some old gym shorts, so everybody would know how down-to-earth our relationship is/I am. They'd wish they had that kind of intimacy with their significant others/were in a relationship with me, because we don't need to hide our feelings from society/the camera loves me.

People will see us/me in public and feel a great surge of warmth pulse through their bodies/want to engage in down-to-earth sex.

They'd know that our relationship/my body is full of quirk and whimsy/looks good in a thin coat of sweat, and that we/I share many personal inside jokes/work out.

So when's it gonna be my time to show you/everyone how I'm "the one"/great masturbation fodder? When's that little black dot at the top center of my computer screen gonna bring us/me closer together/international acclaim?

I have so much love to give, but I just haven't found the right Facebook friend yet.

"TECHNOLOGY"

I'm really worried about the recent oil spill.

According to the environmental protective agency responsible for putting holographic, endangered species trading cards on Herbal Essences bottles, women are removing so much hair from their bodies through electrolysis and asshole waxes, that the efforts to absorb the spill with human hair just isn't cutting it.

What this effectively means is that in a few month's time, we won't be able to order certain nature-y things - chilean sea bass and caviar, for example - when we take our clients out to fancy lunches. Instead, we will be restricted to diets of land mammals, fowl, and snakes.

And while all these options are injected with hormones and other taste enhancers that make our knuckles grow hair and our nipples glow in the dark, they are still much healthier than the pollack swimming through "Beyond Petroleum" petroleum (Ingredients: Petroleum, crack cocaine, high-fructose corn syrup).

But hey, wait... Isn't TECHNOLOGY supposed to fix the earth? And isn't the 5,000 ft. deep underwater oil well a bit of an antiquated technology?

I mean ... wells. WELLS. Weren't "wells" all the rage, like, when everyone lived in the desert and Jesus was nailed to the cross (via Jews)!?!? And weren't "wells" all the rage when PCs ruled the technosphere and Macs were just kinda "queer?"

I guess what I really mean to say is:

Apple should be held accountable for this oil spill.

I mean, WHY has this "leader in innovative technologies" not yet gotten its shit together and figured out how to drill for oil with a new line of iPod nano's? Why can't we retire physical oil barrels and instead trade the commodity through digital stores that offer special iTunes cross promotions and visualizers that pulsate to the rhythm of our gasoline highs?

Really. I'm baffled by how Apple can just stand there selling iPads while the rest of the environment crumbles because of its lack of foresight. I feel like Steve Jobs has about the same grasp on technology as Moses did - both WELL PEOPLE, both environmental terrorists.

So what do we do? Pretend that it's going to be ok as soon as the oil's been sopped up with human hair, prayer, and a giant Tampax? Or face the facts and develop new Apps that address the global crises of today.

It's our world, and it's our decision. Are we gonna develop a new touchscreen interface that singlehandedly replenishes the land with [formerly] "limited" resources and fills in the ozone layer? Or are we just gonna sit back and be environmental terrorists?

"SPORT"

Sports are really good at perpetuating stereotypes.

Thanks to sports, we now know that anyone who plays softball is a stocky, weeble-shaped lesbian, that anyone who runs marathons is an anemic nipple-bleeder, that anyone who plays lacrosse is a rich, clean cut ivy leaguer (save for the few who murder their girlfriends), and that anyone who plays football is predisposed, and actually expected to murder his girlfriend.

Cycling, however, runs the stereotype gamut. At one end, you've got "actual cyclists," who only break from peddling to take bites out of Clif bars and to tend to their chaffing buttocks. At the other end, you've got "aesthetic cyclists," who zip around the streets with their earbuds in and who subconsciously match their road bikes with their skinny jeans. (That's why every aesthetic cyclist has more than one road bike.)

Unlike basketball players (whom I hate for their money), badminton ballers (whom I love for their dedication to the shuttlecock), and bench warmers (whom I'm condemned to fuck), I can't decide whether I love or hate this second category of biking humans.

In one sense, I'm really happy that these people have finally found something that calls for physical movement... I was getting really tired of constantly having to turn them over so they didn't develop bedsores while waiting for their bit torrents to download.

But then ... what exactly are these people trying to pull? How can they live with themselves when they're single-handedly responsible for downgrading sport to mere fashion statement?

Look. I know I've been talking a lot about fashion lately, and I don't want to give off the impression that I just came back from murdering Joan Rivers so I could steal her job... (Did I? Guess you'll have to check and see if #RIPJoanRivers is a trending topic.)

...But when you really think about it, these "bikers" and their "bikes" have absolutely nothing to do with function, and everything to do with fashion.

JESUS CHRIST, why did you think so many people purchased bikes with sweet vintage baskets even when they didn't have working breaks? Why did you think so many people came to full stops by scraping their TOMS against the gravel?

And yet ...Oh god ... The real honest truth is ... I just want to be cool, too! TELL ME WHY,OH WHY, DID MY PARENTS HAVE TO BEQUEATH ME WITH A $600 MOUNTAIN BIKE!?!?!

Cuz I don't wanna have to wear khaki flares from Old Navy just because that's what my bike says I should be doing ... I wanna be cool!

I wanna wear a thick metal chain around my waist and peddle down the streets with my half-shaved head of hair blowing through the wind!

I wanna throw my helmet in the trash and swivel in and out of oncoming traffic because my dream bike is so skinny, it's 2 dimensional!

I want to, and I must.

Otherwise, I'll always be stuck in this dark place without any sense of who I am. I ride a bike, yes, but I don't like Clif bars, and my love-handles are too pronounced for me to ride a road bike with any sense of authority.

What do I do? Who am I? Where is the nearest Old Navy?

"SARCASM"

A reader recently questioned whether or not Mein Google was really homophobic, or just taking a stab at "sarcasm." Well reader, here's your answer.

Everything on Mein Google should be taken at face value. When I say gay people give me diarrhea, I mean it. (I have such bad gastrointestinal problems!) When I suggest selling your children into slavery, I mean it, too.

Because frankly, I don't have time for sarcasm. And I don't get it, either. It's like ... "Are you saying what I think you're saying? Or are you saying something else?"

So please don't think of me as the Janeane Garofalo of the blogosphere, because there are no double meanings lurking beneath these words.

I am Mein Google. Nothing more, nothing less.

PS - I have the journalistic integrity of Joseph Goebbels. (Miss you, JG!!!)

"FASHION"

Coupling disease with fashion is always a great idea because it allows us to quickly cure worldwide epidemics. (And marketing crises.)

Fact 1: We would never be able to cure the AIDS plague without the help of celebrity spokesmodels.

Fact 2: We would never be able to locate Africa on a map if Emporio Armani didn't come out with (product)RED-tinted sunglasses.

Fashion heals, guys. Fashion saves.

And yet ... Are you ever worried that one day we'll use fashion to turn against each other?

For example. The cannibal Holocaust hits, and EVERYONE STARTS FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER!!!! Tell me: who do you eat, and who do you save?

THIS is where I worry fashion will fracture our solidarity as a human race.

Judging by the social climate of my own college campus, I know that many would choose their victims based on outerwear alone. Because here you're either an American Apparel Hoodie Warrior, a North Face Fleece Crusher, or an ethnic minority.

And what's underneath, well, that doesn't count.

Whether you're wearing a Victoria Secret PINK T-shirt expressing your love for nature and all around free-spirit (LIVE LIFE, BREATHE AIR,CRAVE NATURE, LOVE FREE, MOSS ON MY TITS, PINK), or a Smiths band T inspired by Zooey Deschanel's knockout [boring] performance in "(500) Days of Prescribing Mid-00's Youth Culture," it's what's outside that's gonna save you, or get your limbs ripped off.

Because what it all really boils down to is our ability to recognize friend from foe, our ability to give someone the quick up-and-down and say, "I like/hate you."

No matter what anyone else says, our outerwear honestly and truly represents our [personal] personalities. It defines who we are, and who we are not.

I know that when I see someone in a North Face zip-up (unless it's me), for example, we are not playing for the same team ... and that I probably wouldn't hesitate to murder her in cold blood if the times called for it.

Does that make me a bad person?

Oh fashion, you confuse me so much. Should I suffer for you, or allow others to suffer at your hand?

"PARENTING"

Being at that "What Now?" crossroad in my life, where I wake up every morning realizing that the only real options open to me are joining the ranks of unemployed, going back to school and studying something completely vapid, and/or collecting free land in the Midwest and starting a cult, I'm constantly being reminded by my mother to shape the fuck up, get hitched, and make some kids. (You're 22 now. Aim for a ring by 24. Pop the first one out at 25. Trust me.)

I think about it for a little, channeling all the upsides of hopping into bed with the next boat-shoed bro strolling down campus, and then the naysayer in me pokes its head:

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE UPSIDES TO HAVING CHILDREN?

People used to be able to sell their children into slavery. It was, like, culturally-sanctioned, and the more babes you shat out, the more pocket change you had for bread and butter and 25 cent glances at bearded women/caged Amazonians in furry pelts.

Not anymore. Today's generation is supposed to "keep" its children. Provide them with "better lives" than they, themselves, had.

Ok. But WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME??!?!?!?!?!?

I've been doing a lot of research, and as it turns out, culturally-sanctioned child exploitation still exists.

Introducing YouTube, the best vehicle for exploiting your children without directly selling them into slavery.

YouTube allows you to become filthy rich by simply feeding your wee ones with lines that would only otherwise be spoken by big, black men caught up in drive-by shootings.

So say you've got a cute, 3-year-old blondie for a daughter. Excellent! Set her up in front of a camera, tell her she's hosting a cooking show, then, when the time's right - "Let's get serious. Cookies are serious. This is Grandma Wendy's recipe. DON'T SCREW IT UP. I WILL BREAK YOU! I WANT TO BREAK YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, GRANDMA!"

And you know what? I don't feel so bad about having kids anymore. With all the social capital I'll gain from capturing every time my baby has a night terror and screams the N word through her baby monitor live-feed, going through labor doesn't seem like such a bad deal.

No more crib mobiles and vomit-enducing baby spinners. The future of baby showers looks like this: iPhones, iPads, BlackBerry's, CrackBerry's, and Halle Berry's. All in blue and pink.

Because this is the only way to keep conception culturally relevant. This is the only way to keep the human human race going.

"YOUTH"

Hey, guys. Is today's generation of young people the dumbest one to ever walk the planet?

I've been reading through the comment sections of a lot of reputable news websites lately, and as it turns out, everyone under the age of 30 is a rich, college progressive who doesn't know his left from his far left, and can't seem to get his head out of Karl Marx's anal cavity.

Should college students spare themselves the embarrassment and just settle for capitalism/fascism?

Should we keep the national homicide rate unrealistically low by encouraging more people to take out their rage on young, comment-section mongoloids?

Is the volcanic ash blanketing Europe just a metaphor for college idealists pulling the wool over their eyes?

YES, YES, YES!