"EXPERIMENTATION"

In a recent interview with the College of New Jersey's student publication, The Perspective, former presidential candidate and obese man Mike Huckabee compared same-sex adoption to scientific experimentation.

"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, 'how does this [electrical shock collar] work?'"

Well I know how it works - and it ain't pretty.

As word of Mein Google was only just picked up by the Texas Board of Education, and I was immediately commissioned to write a series of [morally-sound] early education science texts, I recently found myself conducting scientific research of my own at a middle school science fair in Iowa.

Yes, Iowa. The same Iowa that not too long ago legalized same-sex marriages. The same Iowa that not too long ago dubbed cosmopolitans its real cash crop. (Sorry, corn, but you're just not "keeping up with the times.")

And boy, did it show.

You know what I saw? Do you know what I fucking saw?

6th grade: the onset of girl bi-curiosity. Two tween girls sneaking kisses behind tri-boards and squirting K-Y jelly into baking soda volcanoes.

7th grade: the onset of boy bi-curiosity. Two balls-a-droppin' boys making glory holes out of mazes designed to demonstrate the effects of light on plant growth. (Typically, the light peeking through the tunnels makes plants grow. In Iowa, it makes penises prematurely ejaculate rainbows.)

8th grade: everybody's fucking sick and g-a-y: Is this the eight grade annex or that crazy orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut? I'm pretty sure when I was in eighth grade, experimental designs didn't typically call for students to strap on stirrups, get down on all fours, and shove ball gags into each other's mouths. JESUS CHRIST!

Yes folks, this is what happens when children become pawns in the gay agenda.

And still, you occupy your time criticizing Hunkabees' (sic) stab at gay adoption!?!?!?!?!?!? I believe your time would be better spent getting electroshock therapy treatments and erasing your mind.