"AFFECTION"

Sometimes I wish I had significant others just so I could post really cute videos of myself expressing affection on their Facebook walls.

I would be in my PJs, or maybe just a wife beater and some old gym shorts, so everybody would know how down-to-earth our relationship is/I am. They'd wish they had that kind of intimacy with their significant others/were in a relationship with me, because we don't need to hide our feelings from society/the camera loves me.

People will see us/me in public and feel a great surge of warmth pulse through their bodies/want to engage in down-to-earth sex.

They'd know that our relationship/my body is full of quirk and whimsy/looks good in a thin coat of sweat, and that we/I share many personal inside jokes/work out.

So when's it gonna be my time to show you/everyone how I'm "the one"/great masturbation fodder? When's that little black dot at the top center of my computer screen gonna bring us/me closer together/international acclaim?

I have so much love to give, but I just haven't found the right Facebook friend yet.

"TECHNOLOGY"

I'm really worried about the recent oil spill.

According to the environmental protective agency responsible for putting holographic, endangered species trading cards on Herbal Essences bottles, women are removing so much hair from their bodies through electrolysis and asshole waxes, that the efforts to absorb the spill with human hair just isn't cutting it.

What this effectively means is that in a few month's time, we won't be able to order certain nature-y things - chilean sea bass and caviar, for example - when we take our clients out to fancy lunches. Instead, we will be restricted to diets of land mammals, fowl, and snakes.

And while all these options are injected with hormones and other taste enhancers that make our knuckles grow hair and our nipples glow in the dark, they are still much healthier than the pollack swimming through "Beyond Petroleum" petroleum (Ingredients: Petroleum, crack cocaine, high-fructose corn syrup).

But hey, wait... Isn't TECHNOLOGY supposed to fix the earth? And isn't the 5,000 ft. deep underwater oil well a bit of an antiquated technology?

I mean ... wells. WELLS. Weren't "wells" all the rage, like, when everyone lived in the desert and Jesus was nailed to the cross (via Jews)!?!? And weren't "wells" all the rage when PCs ruled the technosphere and Macs were just kinda "queer?"

I guess what I really mean to say is:

Apple should be held accountable for this oil spill.

I mean, WHY has this "leader in innovative technologies" not yet gotten its shit together and figured out how to drill for oil with a new line of iPod nano's? Why can't we retire physical oil barrels and instead trade the commodity through digital stores that offer special iTunes cross promotions and visualizers that pulsate to the rhythm of our gasoline highs?

Really. I'm baffled by how Apple can just stand there selling iPads while the rest of the environment crumbles because of its lack of foresight. I feel like Steve Jobs has about the same grasp on technology as Moses did - both WELL PEOPLE, both environmental terrorists.

So what do we do? Pretend that it's going to be ok as soon as the oil's been sopped up with human hair, prayer, and a giant Tampax? Or face the facts and develop new Apps that address the global crises of today.

It's our world, and it's our decision. Are we gonna develop a new touchscreen interface that singlehandedly replenishes the land with [formerly] "limited" resources and fills in the ozone layer? Or are we just gonna sit back and be environmental terrorists?

"SPORT"

Sports are really good at perpetuating stereotypes.

Thanks to sports, we now know that anyone who plays softball is a stocky, weeble-shaped lesbian, that anyone who runs marathons is an anemic nipple-bleeder, that anyone who plays lacrosse is a rich, clean cut ivy leaguer (save for the few who murder their girlfriends), and that anyone who plays football is predisposed, and actually expected to murder his girlfriend.

Cycling, however, runs the stereotype gamut. At one end, you've got "actual cyclists," who only break from peddling to take bites out of Clif bars and to tend to their chaffing buttocks. At the other end, you've got "aesthetic cyclists," who zip around the streets with their earbuds in and who subconsciously match their road bikes with their skinny jeans. (That's why every aesthetic cyclist has more than one road bike.)

Unlike basketball players (whom I hate for their money), badminton ballers (whom I love for their dedication to the shuttlecock), and bench warmers (whom I'm condemned to fuck), I can't decide whether I love or hate this second category of biking humans.

In one sense, I'm really happy that these people have finally found something that calls for physical movement... I was getting really tired of constantly having to turn them over so they didn't develop bedsores while waiting for their bit torrents to download.

But then ... what exactly are these people trying to pull? How can they live with themselves when they're single-handedly responsible for downgrading sport to mere fashion statement?

Look. I know I've been talking a lot about fashion lately, and I don't want to give off the impression that I just came back from murdering Joan Rivers so I could steal her job... (Did I? Guess you'll have to check and see if #RIPJoanRivers is a trending topic.)

...But when you really think about it, these "bikers" and their "bikes" have absolutely nothing to do with function, and everything to do with fashion.

JESUS CHRIST, why did you think so many people purchased bikes with sweet vintage baskets even when they didn't have working breaks? Why did you think so many people came to full stops by scraping their TOMS against the gravel?

And yet ...Oh god ... The real honest truth is ... I just want to be cool, too! TELL ME WHY,OH WHY, DID MY PARENTS HAVE TO BEQUEATH ME WITH A $600 MOUNTAIN BIKE!?!?!

Cuz I don't wanna have to wear khaki flares from Old Navy just because that's what my bike says I should be doing ... I wanna be cool!

I wanna wear a thick metal chain around my waist and peddle down the streets with my half-shaved head of hair blowing through the wind!

I wanna throw my helmet in the trash and swivel in and out of oncoming traffic because my dream bike is so skinny, it's 2 dimensional!

I want to, and I must.

Otherwise, I'll always be stuck in this dark place without any sense of who I am. I ride a bike, yes, but I don't like Clif bars, and my love-handles are too pronounced for me to ride a road bike with any sense of authority.

What do I do? Who am I? Where is the nearest Old Navy?

"SARCASM"

A reader recently questioned whether or not Mein Google was really homophobic, or just taking a stab at "sarcasm." Well reader, here's your answer.

Everything on Mein Google should be taken at face value. When I say gay people give me diarrhea, I mean it. (I have such bad gastrointestinal problems!) When I suggest selling your children into slavery, I mean it, too.

Because frankly, I don't have time for sarcasm. And I don't get it, either. It's like ... "Are you saying what I think you're saying? Or are you saying something else?"

So please don't think of me as the Janeane Garofalo of the blogosphere, because there are no double meanings lurking beneath these words.

I am Mein Google. Nothing more, nothing less.

PS - I have the journalistic integrity of Joseph Goebbels. (Miss you, JG!!!)