"TECHNOLOGY"

I'm really worried about the recent oil spill.

According to the environmental protective agency responsible for putting holographic, endangered species trading cards on Herbal Essences bottles, women are removing so much hair from their bodies through electrolysis and asshole waxes, that the efforts to absorb the spill with human hair just isn't cutting it.

What this effectively means is that in a few month's time, we won't be able to order certain nature-y things - chilean sea bass and caviar, for example - when we take our clients out to fancy lunches. Instead, we will be restricted to diets of land mammals, fowl, and snakes.

And while all these options are injected with hormones and other taste enhancers that make our knuckles grow hair and our nipples glow in the dark, they are still much healthier than the pollack swimming through "Beyond Petroleum" petroleum (Ingredients: Petroleum, crack cocaine, high-fructose corn syrup).

But hey, wait... Isn't TECHNOLOGY supposed to fix the earth? And isn't the 5,000 ft. deep underwater oil well a bit of an antiquated technology?

I mean ... wells. WELLS. Weren't "wells" all the rage, like, when everyone lived in the desert and Jesus was nailed to the cross (via Jews)!?!? And weren't "wells" all the rage when PCs ruled the technosphere and Macs were just kinda "queer?"

I guess what I really mean to say is:

Apple should be held accountable for this oil spill.

I mean, WHY has this "leader in innovative technologies" not yet gotten its shit together and figured out how to drill for oil with a new line of iPod nano's? Why can't we retire physical oil barrels and instead trade the commodity through digital stores that offer special iTunes cross promotions and visualizers that pulsate to the rhythm of our gasoline highs?

Really. I'm baffled by how Apple can just stand there selling iPads while the rest of the environment crumbles because of its lack of foresight. I feel like Steve Jobs has about the same grasp on technology as Moses did - both WELL PEOPLE, both environmental terrorists.

So what do we do? Pretend that it's going to be ok as soon as the oil's been sopped up with human hair, prayer, and a giant Tampax? Or face the facts and develop new Apps that address the global crises of today.

It's our world, and it's our decision. Are we gonna develop a new touchscreen interface that singlehandedly replenishes the land with [formerly] "limited" resources and fills in the ozone layer? Or are we just gonna sit back and be environmental terrorists?