"SPORT"

Sports are really good at perpetuating stereotypes.

Thanks to sports, we now know that anyone who plays softball is a stocky, weeble-shaped lesbian, that anyone who runs marathons is an anemic nipple-bleeder, that anyone who plays lacrosse is a rich, clean cut ivy leaguer (save for the few who murder their girlfriends), and that anyone who plays football is predisposed, and actually expected to murder his girlfriend.

Cycling, however, runs the stereotype gamut. At one end, you've got "actual cyclists," who only break from peddling to take bites out of Clif bars and to tend to their chaffing buttocks. At the other end, you've got "aesthetic cyclists," who zip around the streets with their earbuds in and who subconsciously match their road bikes with their skinny jeans. (That's why every aesthetic cyclist has more than one road bike.)

Unlike basketball players (whom I hate for their money), badminton ballers (whom I love for their dedication to the shuttlecock), and bench warmers (whom I'm condemned to fuck), I can't decide whether I love or hate this second category of biking humans.

In one sense, I'm really happy that these people have finally found something that calls for physical movement... I was getting really tired of constantly having to turn them over so they didn't develop bedsores while waiting for their bit torrents to download.

But then ... what exactly are these people trying to pull? How can they live with themselves when they're single-handedly responsible for downgrading sport to mere fashion statement?

Look. I know I've been talking a lot about fashion lately, and I don't want to give off the impression that I just came back from murdering Joan Rivers so I could steal her job... (Did I? Guess you'll have to check and see if #RIPJoanRivers is a trending topic.)

...But when you really think about it, these "bikers" and their "bikes" have absolutely nothing to do with function, and everything to do with fashion.

JESUS CHRIST, why did you think so many people purchased bikes with sweet vintage baskets even when they didn't have working breaks? Why did you think so many people came to full stops by scraping their TOMS against the gravel?

And yet ...Oh god ... The real honest truth is ... I just want to be cool, too! TELL ME WHY,OH WHY, DID MY PARENTS HAVE TO BEQUEATH ME WITH A $600 MOUNTAIN BIKE!?!?!

Cuz I don't wanna have to wear khaki flares from Old Navy just because that's what my bike says I should be doing ... I wanna be cool!

I wanna wear a thick metal chain around my waist and peddle down the streets with my half-shaved head of hair blowing through the wind!

I wanna throw my helmet in the trash and swivel in and out of oncoming traffic because my dream bike is so skinny, it's 2 dimensional!

I want to, and I must.

Otherwise, I'll always be stuck in this dark place without any sense of who I am. I ride a bike, yes, but I don't like Clif bars, and my love-handles are too pronounced for me to ride a road bike with any sense of authority.

What do I do? Who am I? Where is the nearest Old Navy?