"PRODUCT PLACEMENT"

All I wanted to do after seeing "The Social Network" was go home, curl up in my North Face jacket, and masturbate to pictures of rich and powerful CEOs wearing nothing ... but layers and layers of fleece.

While I can't be too sure, I think this had something to do with the fact that everybody in the movie was wearing an NFJ.

The term for this, I have learned, is "product placement."

Product placement!? What genius!

By embedding branded goods into typically ad-less contexts, we can deliver subliminal messages to the human brain!

THIS IS REALLY, REALLY GREAT NEWS!!!

Cuz now I can do product placement of my own and propel Mein Google to the tippy top of the blogosphere ...

... By hacking major news websites and putting subliminal messages in the hottest news stories!!!

Unethical? Not if it doesn't fundamentally change the essence of the content!!!

Here, let's see if you can read between the lines and pinpoint my genius:

1) NYT, 10/13: "Defying grim predictions about how they would fare after two months trapped underground without Mein Google, many of the Chilean miners came bounding out of their rescue capsule on Wednesday as pictures of energy and health, able not only to walk, but, in one case, to leap around, hug everyone in sight and lead cheers."

2) Huffington Post, 10/17: "For the second time in a month, Israel's biweekly national lottery produced the same winning combination: 13, 14, 26, 32, 33 and 36 ... Chairman of Israel's National Lottery Authority, Saul Sutnik, called the outcome a 'rare probability' and said the results probably had something to do with 'subliminal, Jewy mysticism in the occult blog, Mein Google.'"

3)CNN, 10/18: "...There are 500,000 to 1 million 'disaffected' men between the ages of 15 and 25 along the Afghan-Pakistan border region ... Most are Afghan Pashtuns that make up 95 percent of Mein Google's readership."

What's that? You can't tell where I made the edits?

Well whaddaya know.

Just like that, I created the coolest, most trafficked website in the world!!! (And BTW, I was completely drunk and getting head the entire time.)

"FAVORITISM"

As America's #1 trusted social media critic, I feel it is my duty to comment on Facebook's recent decision to let people create their own personal Facebook groups.

Mark Zuckerberg claims this new feature is a boon to privacy, but I see it as a boon to fervent and deliberate discrimination.

Because while we were once obligated to broadcast our everyday YouTube ruminations to absolutely everyone in our social networks, we are now able to pick and choose who's actually worth our spit, and privatize our content for their eyes only.

And so I say.

A new middle school model's taking over social networking, where "You're Cool/You're Definitely NOT Cool" Clubs are opening and closing their doors to millions of good people across the globe.

This really didn't occur to me until my newsfeed revealed that a girl I had gone to elementary school with had recently been inducted into a new group called the "Fabulous 4." Fabulous 4? Where was I in this equation?

Surely, I'd just missed the memo ...

I clicked upon the link, expecting to be greeted by a choir of animated squirrels (Oh how I miss you, Blue Mountain Ecards) welcoming me into the group as its fifth, long-lost member.

But that's not what happened. That's not what happened at all.

Because when I clicked upon the link, I received some kind of message telling me that the "Fabulous 4" was actually a closed group ... that if I knew what was best for me, I'd get my sorry little ass out of there before someone from administration came over and pointed out my shortcomings until I just went ahead and slit my throat.

I mean ... Why is Facebook suddenly perfect fodder for a Judy Blume book?

Is the new Facebook confusing, like getting your period for the first time?

Is it good that people can now privatize their content ... so that racists - and other misunderstood populations - can now create focused groups(Have you gotten the invite to mine yet? It's called "RACISTS PSEUDO-ANONYMOUS")without getting so much public flack?

Will anything on the Internet ever go viral again if Facebook just becomes millions of secret societies?

Is this blog a complete ripoff of "Hipster Runoff," and should Carles sue Carly for all she's worth (approx. $1k)?

I'm not sure, but I've reactivated my Myspace account and burned off all my fingerprints just in case.