"CONTROVERSY"

Hey, Google Image search - try not being SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE.

"AMERICA"

You know what!? I'm GLAD almost anything I can purchase at the supermarket is made out of corn.

Because corn is delicious.

You think I give two shits that the tilapia I just ate was farm-fed Orville Redenbacher?

That's EXACTLY why it tasted so good!

Good grief, America. I wish you'd stop sabotaging taste with your activism.

"WISDOM"

It’s a well-known fact that the only people in the world who play mahjong are old Jewish women.

It’s a less well-known fact that old Jewish women are the smartest people in the world. How do I know this?

As an aging Jewish woman myself, I can feel myself waking up smarter every day.

In fact, this post is essentially about how smart I am.

I am really smart.

"BELIEF"

Belief is a really hard concept to pinpoint; it means something slightly, if not radically, different to everyone.

Suffice it to say, belief has caused much strife around the world - war, bloodshed, and philosophy.

So why, we ask ourselves, have CATS managed to live such relatively peaceful lives!?!?!

It's because CATS JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. They believe in NOTHING.

Oh readers, I'm SO confused: Is it better to curl up like a calico and just not give a fuck,or is "belief" the white ma... I mean,human's burden?

"STRENGTH"

Nothing builds strength and character like being married to Bobby Brown for 14 years.

Cocaine helps, too.

"LOVE"

Hi readers, and happy Valentines Day.

What is "love?"

For some - and by some I mean me - love boils down to the everyday Asian Sensation with a machine gun.

What does love mean to you?

"TRANSCENDENCE"

tran·scen·dence
n.

1. The quality or state of being entirely above the created universe.

2. The act of taking your lady in the bu... nay, in "bullet time" (see The Matrix), while focusing intently on her brown-eye.

"MATURITY"

This image is self-explanatory.

"GLOBALISM"

If you thought the Seattle WTO protests were scary - and they were, if just for the fact that the media had to actualize people with matted hair - then you won't BELIEVE what fate's got in store for us next.

According to Google Images, THIS is what the ongoing struggle against globalization will look like:


I don't know ... I'd even feel more comfortable if the search yielded a minotaur. But THIS!?

We've got some rough times ahead of us.

"PASSIVE AGGRESSION"

FUCK walking a mile in someone else’s shoes; you never really know a person until you’ve shared a fridge with him.

Which begs the question: “What would happen to conflict-resolution conventions if we forced clashing parties to share the icebox?”

The Middle East is a classic, though completely hypothetical, case study:

Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu are forced to share a vegetable crisper. What happens?

They quickly come to understand that deep down, we as human beings all really desire the same things.

Crisp lettuce and a clean fucking fridge.

WORLD PEACE: 1 CHAOS: 0

"FEMINISM"

The first item in need of a Mein Google lobotomy is that dreaded F Word, "feminism."

Yes, feminism. We all hate it - but do we actually know what it means?

Type "Feminism" into the Google search bar, and you come out with this:



Now I don't know about you - and frankly, you don't matter in this equation, anyway - but I'm fairly certain that THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FOURTH WAVE!

The child, though white, is so white that she actually claims minority status. In her childhood naivete, she tilts her head to the sky and asks, "Oh god above, is there a better place out there for really, really white people like me?"

Her doll, the only person in the world who will give her the time of day, obediently responds, "HEIL! ... I mean, YES, I AM A POWER LESBIAN!"

And so as you can see, things are a'changing. The Fourth Wave will not only place pasty white people (PWP) on the Axis of Oppression Map - which I've heard is going to become available on most new GPS systems - but ALSO defy antiquated lesbian doll stereotypes.

FEMINISM: 1 PATRIARCHY: 0

WELCOME

Hi. My name is Carly.

There’s not too much you need to know about me except that I’m short – five feet on a good day – extremely smart, good looking, and, oh yeah, on a quest to crack the human condition.

This quest has taken me on quite the roller coaster ride. Over the past five months, I’ve completed an ethnographic study on Eskimos, followed and psychoanalyzed over 10,000 Twitter sex-bots, and locked myself, along with the entire cast of the Jersey Shore, into a giant straitjacket dangling over the ocean blue. (Thanks for the inspiration, David Blaine!)

Yes, I’ve certainly done an impressive lot these past couple months, but nothing’s granted me more insight into the human condition than my cocaine-induced (JK, heroin) Google Image search binge.

It all started with “Jenny Jones” – you know, Ricky Lake’s blonde rival. Upon typing in her name and browsing through the first, I don’t know, 20 results, I came across this image:

“PROVOCATIVE,” I thought.“Perhaps Google Image searches hold the key to the human condition!”

And alas, my friends, it turns out they do ... They do WAY HARD.

So I suggest you start ditching what you thought you knew.(If that means burning all of your diaries dating back to first grade, DO IT.)Because up until now – that is, without my benevolent intervention – you’ve been subscribing to an Ask Jeeves-level worldview. Lowly. Filthy. Puerile.

But this, my friends, THIS is the Google Image worldview. Elevated. Superior. Flawless.

THIS, my friends, is MEIN GOOGLE.