"AGEISM"

I hate bringing up "The -isms," but DAMMIT!

At 23 years old, why am I suddenly the one bearing the brunt of ageism!?

Cuz there's a prejudice sweeping the land...

A prejudice against young comic geniuses like myself, who write and say funny things that would otherwise be immortalized if we could just poop and pee ourselves with the same level of impunity granted to the sick and dying.

Case in point (1): Betty White.

Case in point (2): "Shit My Dad Says"

Case in point (3): Absolutely every nursing home patient in America

These guys are just handed sitcoms and Saturday Night Live gigs on silver pla...bedpans, while the rest of us battle head-to-head, racing to link our names to every hash-tag that ever found its way onto the Internet.

AND FOR WHAT!?

For early-onset arthritis!? For 1 or 2 "likes" on Facebook!? For this!?

I mean...

ARE YOU LIIIIIiiiiiiiSsssTENNNING!? DO I HAVE TO CALL IT "REVERSE AGEISM" TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, AMERICA!?!?!

My name is Carly Erin Schleider, and no matter what you call it, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you say that I, too, "get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer" when the "vagina" coming out of my mouth holds not even 1/2 the weight of the "vagina" coming out of your senile grandfather ... 's mouth?

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M FUNNY, and IF FUNNY IS ONLY SOMETIMES, THEN ...

Oh I don't even know, just end my suffering already and euthanize me, plz.

"BRANDING"

Today I'm opening up the floor to my readers.

Hey, readers! What do y'all think about the rising Tea Party? Is it "good?" Is it "bad?"

Here's what I think. (And by the way, the floor's now closed.)

I think the Tea Party's got all the answers. I think the Tea Party's my party.

Cuz I read somewhere that our country's in a mountain of debt, and in order to fix things, we've got to first protest everything that's ever happened in the history of our country. EVER.

It would seem, though, that my (and by the converting powers of my writing, your) party is losing "steam" thanks to cheap rhetorical gags.

...That the title "Tea Party" is somehow setting the movement back - making it seem more like a little girls club where we sit around giggling about scrotums, and less like a legitimate government threat.

CONFUSING? I'll say.

Because to me, "Tea Party" shouts, "don't you DARE fuck with me, Democrats, Republicans, and especially YOU, Polly FUCKING Pocket!"

And so I ask: Was going with the name "Tea Party" a boon to American freedom-makers, or a blip in personal branding? Can we rise above the White House's proverbial scrotum, or is America just too freaking immature?

Do yOOLONG for a more mature America?