"AGEISM"

I hate bringing up "The -isms," but DAMMIT!

At 23 years old, why am I suddenly the one bearing the brunt of ageism!?

Cuz there's a prejudice sweeping the land...

A prejudice against young comic geniuses like myself, who write and say funny things that would otherwise be immortalized if we could just poop and pee ourselves with the same level of impunity granted to the sick and dying.

Case in point (1): Betty White.

Case in point (2): "Shit My Dad Says"

Case in point (3): Absolutely every nursing home patient in America

These guys are just handed sitcoms and Saturday Night Live gigs on silver pla...bedpans, while the rest of us battle head-to-head, racing to link our names to every hash-tag that ever found its way onto the Internet.

AND FOR WHAT!?

For early-onset arthritis!? For 1 or 2 "likes" on Facebook!? For this!?

I mean...

ARE YOU LIIIIIiiiiiiiSsssTENNNING!? DO I HAVE TO CALL IT "REVERSE AGEISM" TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, AMERICA!?!?!

My name is Carly Erin Schleider, and no matter what you call it, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you say that I, too, "get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer" when the "vagina" coming out of my mouth holds not even 1/2 the weight of the "vagina" coming out of your senile grandfather ... 's mouth?

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M FUNNY, and IF FUNNY IS ONLY SOMETIMES, THEN ...

Oh I don't even know, just end my suffering already and euthanize me, plz.