"FASHION"

Coupling disease with fashion is always a great idea because it allows us to quickly cure worldwide epidemics. (And marketing crises.)

Fact 1: We would never be able to cure the AIDS plague without the help of celebrity spokesmodels.

Fact 2: We would never be able to locate Africa on a map if Emporio Armani didn't come out with (product)RED-tinted sunglasses.

Fashion heals, guys. Fashion saves.

And yet ... Are you ever worried that one day we'll use fashion to turn against each other?

For example. The cannibal Holocaust hits, and EVERYONE STARTS FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER!!!! Tell me: who do you eat, and who do you save?

THIS is where I worry fashion will fracture our solidarity as a human race.

Judging by the social climate of my own college campus, I know that many would choose their victims based on outerwear alone. Because here you're either an American Apparel Hoodie Warrior, a North Face Fleece Crusher, or an ethnic minority.

And what's underneath, well, that doesn't count.

Whether you're wearing a Victoria Secret PINK T-shirt expressing your love for nature and all around free-spirit (LIVE LIFE, BREATHE AIR,CRAVE NATURE, LOVE FREE, MOSS ON MY TITS, PINK), or a Smiths band T inspired by Zooey Deschanel's knockout [boring] performance in "(500) Days of Prescribing Mid-00's Youth Culture," it's what's outside that's gonna save you, or get your limbs ripped off.

Because what it all really boils down to is our ability to recognize friend from foe, our ability to give someone the quick up-and-down and say, "I like/hate you."

No matter what anyone else says, our outerwear honestly and truly represents our [personal] personalities. It defines who we are, and who we are not.

I know that when I see someone in a North Face zip-up (unless it's me), for example, we are not playing for the same team ... and that I probably wouldn't hesitate to murder her in cold blood if the times called for it.

Does that make me a bad person?

Oh fashion, you confuse me so much. Should I suffer for you, or allow others to suffer at your hand?

"PARENTING"

Being at that "What Now?" crossroad in my life, where I wake up every morning realizing that the only real options open to me are joining the ranks of unemployed, going back to school and studying something completely vapid, and/or collecting free land in the Midwest and starting a cult, I'm constantly being reminded by my mother to shape the fuck up, get hitched, and make some kids. (You're 22 now. Aim for a ring by 24. Pop the first one out at 25. Trust me.)

I think about it for a little, channeling all the upsides of hopping into bed with the next boat-shoed bro strolling down campus, and then the naysayer in me pokes its head:

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE UPSIDES TO HAVING CHILDREN?

People used to be able to sell their children into slavery. It was, like, culturally-sanctioned, and the more babes you shat out, the more pocket change you had for bread and butter and 25 cent glances at bearded women/caged Amazonians in furry pelts.

Not anymore. Today's generation is supposed to "keep" its children. Provide them with "better lives" than they, themselves, had.

Ok. But WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME??!?!?!?!?!?

I've been doing a lot of research, and as it turns out, culturally-sanctioned child exploitation still exists.

Introducing YouTube, the best vehicle for exploiting your children without directly selling them into slavery.

YouTube allows you to become filthy rich by simply feeding your wee ones with lines that would only otherwise be spoken by big, black men caught up in drive-by shootings.

So say you've got a cute, 3-year-old blondie for a daughter. Excellent! Set her up in front of a camera, tell her she's hosting a cooking show, then, when the time's right - "Let's get serious. Cookies are serious. This is Grandma Wendy's recipe. DON'T SCREW IT UP. I WILL BREAK YOU! I WANT TO BREAK YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, GRANDMA!"

And you know what? I don't feel so bad about having kids anymore. With all the social capital I'll gain from capturing every time my baby has a night terror and screams the N word through her baby monitor live-feed, going through labor doesn't seem like such a bad deal.

No more crib mobiles and vomit-enducing baby spinners. The future of baby showers looks like this: iPhones, iPads, BlackBerry's, CrackBerry's, and Halle Berry's. All in blue and pink.

Because this is the only way to keep conception culturally relevant. This is the only way to keep the human human race going.

"YOUTH"

Hey, guys. Is today's generation of young people the dumbest one to ever walk the planet?

I've been reading through the comment sections of a lot of reputable news websites lately, and as it turns out, everyone under the age of 30 is a rich, college progressive who doesn't know his left from his far left, and can't seem to get his head out of Karl Marx's anal cavity.

Should college students spare themselves the embarrassment and just settle for capitalism/fascism?

Should we keep the national homicide rate unrealistically low by encouraging more people to take out their rage on young, comment-section mongoloids?

Is the volcanic ash blanketing Europe just a metaphor for college idealists pulling the wool over their eyes?

YES, YES, YES!

"EXPERIMENTATION"

In a recent interview with the College of New Jersey's student publication, The Perspective, former presidential candidate and obese man Mike Huckabee compared same-sex adoption to scientific experimentation.

"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, 'how does this [electrical shock collar] work?'"

Well I know how it works - and it ain't pretty.

As word of Mein Google was only just picked up by the Texas Board of Education, and I was immediately commissioned to write a series of [morally-sound] early education science texts, I recently found myself conducting scientific research of my own at a middle school science fair in Iowa.

Yes, Iowa. The same Iowa that not too long ago legalized same-sex marriages. The same Iowa that not too long ago dubbed cosmopolitans its real cash crop. (Sorry, corn, but you're just not "keeping up with the times.")

And boy, did it show.

You know what I saw? Do you know what I fucking saw?

6th grade: the onset of girl bi-curiosity. Two tween girls sneaking kisses behind tri-boards and squirting K-Y jelly into baking soda volcanoes.

7th grade: the onset of boy bi-curiosity. Two balls-a-droppin' boys making glory holes out of mazes designed to demonstrate the effects of light on plant growth. (Typically, the light peeking through the tunnels makes plants grow. In Iowa, it makes penises prematurely ejaculate rainbows.)

8th grade: everybody's fucking sick and g-a-y: Is this the eight grade annex or that crazy orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut? I'm pretty sure when I was in eighth grade, experimental designs didn't typically call for students to strap on stirrups, get down on all fours, and shove ball gags into each other's mouths. JESUS CHRIST!

Yes folks, this is what happens when children become pawns in the gay agenda.

And still, you occupy your time criticizing Hunkabees' (sic) stab at gay adoption!?!?!?!?!?!? I believe your time would be better spent getting electroshock therapy treatments and erasing your mind.

"CINEMA"

My past two years on earth have been clouded by a deep depression.

This depression, I should tell you, is unique from all the other depressions I've invented in my mind's DSM ... I just can't pinpoint it, and no matter how frequently/fervently I shake hands with the unemployed (read: masturbate), I can't seem to snap out of it.

But wait. Hasn't it ALSO been two years since the last Sex and the City movie came out? And wasn't that the last time I truly felt happiness? The last time I truly laughed? The last time I truly felt blessed to have so many rich girlfriends?

YES!

If you're reading this - which you are - chances are you've been feeling this way, too. WELL GOOD NEWS - Sex and the City 2 is hitting theaters May 27!

And this time, Carrie and the gang are living it up in the Middle East!

Let me just say - I'm soooooo excited that the girls have made Abu Dhabi their new urban playground. I think it's really going to do a lot to change our general misconceptions of Abu Dhabi, as well as the rest of the Orient.

Things are a'happening, guys! Before we know it, people are going to be taking bus tours of gourmet, Abubeite cupcake boutiques! Before we know it, Cosmo headlines are gonna reflect a politic of inclusion, rather than one of ethnocentrism! ("50 Hot Ways to Touch Your Man ... in Abu Dhabi.")

I look forward to all the "big" laughs, "big" realizations, and "big" world changes waiting just around the corner.

"MUSIC"

Have you guys ever heard of "music?" Do you like it? Do you wanna be a mega music sensation?

Well, do I have news for you: I've discovered the formula for creating perfect overnight hits! Behold:

(toyl) + (strwl) + (dyb) = T40GTNM

(turning on your laptop) + (shout-talking really waaaacky lyrics) + (deciding you're bisexual) = TOP 40 GOLD THE NEXT MORNING

For all those non-believers out there ... just try it out!!!!!

MG SMASH [BISEXUAL] HIT CONTEST

Readers: You have ONE WEEK to write and record an original, 30 second theme song for Mein Google.

The only three rules are that the lyrics must be 1) shout-talked, 2) waaaacky, and 3) indicative of your bisexuality.

Winner will have his/her/zir song posted on this blog for all eternity! Winner will also get something else, but I don't know what it is yet. So don't ask.

Send all entries to meingooglygoo@gmail.com

GO FORTH AND TURN ON YOUR LAPTOPS!

"POSTMODERN"

If I had a neon Pomeranian for every time someone mentioned post-mdrnsm in my presence, I'd not only be rich in neon Pomeranians, but also in thoughts of murder. (Didn't you get the memo? The poms shoot lasers out of their furry little assholes!)

GODDAMIT. How long is it gonna take for everyone to realize POSTMODERNISM DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN ANYTHING.

Seriously. Postmodernism is just a blanket term for our latent mental retardation.

And before you get all huffy about it, let me just clarify - When I say "retarded," I don't mean it in that offensive way ... I mean it in the other way.

So now that we've got that settled, let's get back to business.

Since when did it become acceptable to say something is "postmodern" just because it's retarded and makes no sense? Since when did "postmodernism" officially replace the "ummmm's" and "uhhhhh's" of human confusion?

You know what? I don't even care. Cause from here on out, I'm not gonna accept "postmodernism" into my dialect until everyone else accepts what I've been arguing are legitimate uses of the post prefix for YEARS now.

Post-lunch (dinner)
Post-Aniston (Jolie)
Post-alarm clock (snooze)
Post-snooze (snooze)
Post-Obama (Socialism)
Post-past (present)
Post-tomorrow (the day after tomorrow)
Post-puberty (premature sex)
Post-GED (obesity)
Post-cookie (milk)
Post-pp (poopie)
Post-marriage (divorce)

I really don't think I'm making too many demands here. I mean, is the Pope black? Are monkeys tiny giraffes? Exactly. Postmodernism.