"PROTECTION"

Good evening.

Does anybody here read the news?

I usually only have enough time to read my Facebook news-feed, but sometimes - and particularly when I remember that I'm living among conscientious people in a city of universities and other institutions that think gays, immigrants in Arizona + some other states, and other societal refugees should have rights - I get around to looking at front-page pictures, so that I may quickly, though accurately, conclude what the condition of the world must be.

(THAT WAS THE LONGEST SENTENCE I'VE EVER WRITTEN.)

Today, The New York Times [50% of the Mein Times media cocktail] featured a story on the Appleseed Project, a group of boot camps dedicated to training Americans to pick up the big guns and shoot their governments.

Finally!

People, and particularly Americans, need to be prepared for the worst. And when it comes down to it, the "worst" means allowing people who contradict our own personal beliefs and ideals to remain alive.

Props to you, Appleseed Project! You really hit - or should I say, "shot" - the nail/bullet/musket ball on the head with this one.

One thing, though - why are you only teaching one kind of warfare?

All governments aren't created equal, and that means we certainly can't kill them all through the white-boy marksmanship you're teaching.

Did I say "white-boy?" Yeah, because I'm pretty sure Barack Obama is blackish.

You think when we rise up against the Obama administration, brother's gonna fight back with a rifle? Nahhhhhhh, boi.

Unlike the late Bush administration, which chose to fight back against its people with antiquated Civil War bayonets, the Obama administration fights dirtay.

Because, like I said, Barack Obama is blackish. And blackish in the "street way," not the "African bush people" way.

What I'm getting at is that if we want to be effective in our government takeovers, we need to fight fire with fire, and black administrations with black tactics.

So if you feel the way I feel, please join me in forming our own local/Internet chapter of the Appleseed Project.

Lesson one begins next Monday and will be live-streamed on Youtube. The topic is "drive-by shootings."

"SABOTAGE"

Hey, guys. Do you ever hate your friends? Because I do.

And not even in that girl way.

I mean, we all know that girls are supposed to hate their friends. It's just that they're extremely fickle, and can't help but be perpetually afflicted with PMS/menopause/post-menopause menopause.

But I'm pretty sure my current Friend Hatred defies all these prescribed gender norms and/or bodily functions ... even when the rest of society (a makeshift tampon) seems to be collapsing under the weight of so much unchecked reproductive blood.

I simply hate 'em!

For god's sake. Just the other day, a "friend" trolling about my Facebook dared to post something "funny" underneath something funny I had posted.

Oh really?

The bitch got more cyberspace thumbs-up than I did.

Alright, "friend." Is MY Facebook YOUR personal venue for egotistic, pseudo-funny expression? NO. MY Facebook is MY venue for egotistic, pseudo/fuck that, I'm hilariously funny expression.

As for you, "friend." You may only LOOK at my Facebook for inspirational and/or masturbational purposes.

Pull another one your pseudo-funnies, and I'm going to have to murder you.

Hockey-stick-to-the-throat style.

"GROUP MEMBERSHIP"

About a month ago I spoke about the value of groping coworkers' breasts. How nipple tweakings and genital brush-bys stimulate inter- and intra-personal communication, and work to smooth out the oftentimes crippling rigidities of first weeks on the job.

Communication, communication, communication!

Well, to stimulate even further communication, my boss recently set up a Google Group.

How wonderful! If there's one thing I wish to do after coming home from a day on the job - where I deal with eternal questions like "What do you do when a student comes plowing through the door with a Tupperware full of half-dead goldfish?" - it's to sit back, relax, and blog about my daily work experiences.

I've become so rapt in the Google discourse, that I've come terribly close to terminating MG several times now. So I can focus on higher-order concerns, like spearheading the movement for Twitter-operated school administrations.

But in the meantime, this Google Group is really making a world of difference in both students' and teachers' lives alike.

Cause it felt really good blogging about the kid who accidentally sawed off his own arm during lunch period the other day ... Like I'm finally doing something right.

Blogging about these kinds of things helps prevent them from happening ... tomorrow.

I hope this post doesn't get me fired. Kinda.

"PERSONALIZATION"

So I have to apologize once again for taking such a long time to update you all on what's going on in the world.

But just as before, my excuse here is both tasteful and genuine ... like the fundamental practices of Scientology.

The truth is, I've been really hung up on Lindsay Lohan's latest jail sentence. Specifically, my days and nights have been occupied by super intense - and cocainey - brainstorming sessions in which I've been thinking long and hard about just what heinous crime I need to commit to get thrown into that jail cell with her.

(So that we can mistakenly release a Behind-the-Bars sex tape that propels me out of this plebeian, FreakiLESS Friday lifestyle.)

But now I'm back and ready to talk about things. In fact, I'm going to start talking about something in the following sentence.

This summer I'm turning 23, and I'm trying to figure out a really unique and memorable way to celebrate me. Last year, I celebrated by successfully sueing MTV for being ageist, and starred in my own, one-of-a-kind episode of "My Super Sweet 22." (Did you see it? I looked really hot, and it was a lot of fun!)

But I think it'd be kinda cliche for me to do the same thing again, and MTV's kinda become waaayy to mainstream for my own personal brand, anyway.

So instead, I think I'm gonna get a really cute picture of my face printed on a cake and invite all of my friends to come over and eat it!

I think people are best able to appreciate the unique and subtle "flavors" of friendship when they're given the opportunity to literally eat their friends.

And since movies like Silence of the Lambs have so irreversibly stigmatized the relationship-building practice of cannibalism, cake face printing is the next-best thing.

But, as it goes with most things, cake prints are also fatally flawed.

Cake is just another victim of the hegemonic discourse characterizing most everything in this country. Because last time I checked, cake is a pretty fucking white thing.

Like ... I'm pretty sure Asian people don't celebrate birthdays with the flour, eggs, and sugar we're used to. And I'm pretty sure black people like cake, but they'd still much prefer that everything were battered and deep-fried.

What I'm getting at here is that birthdays were invented for white people, by white people. And it's time for this to change.

So if I don't post another thing for another month, it's probably because I'm working desperately hard to equalize the birthday playing field, and figure out how to print multicultural faces onto individual grains of rice and/or fried chicken.

Cake is tasty, but when you examine it closely, it looks less like a relic of celebration, and more like a threat of intensifying ethnocentrism and re-instated indentured servitude.

This is our time to turn things around. This is our time to figure out how to print black peoples' faces onto drumsticks.