"PRIVACY"

Hi, everyone. Tonight's the first night of Passover, which got me thinking - are you ever worried that someone's gonna hijack all of your social networking accounts and then kill you?

I mean, just today I got another update from Mark Zucky telling me that FB's privacy policy is changing again, and that I better act fast and "do something complicated" unless I want my naked keg-stand photos showing up where I don't want them - you know, like projected onto the National Mall via hologram and stuff.

But that's not what worries me. I'm not worried about FB privacy policy, or ... say, the fact that Google owns the rights to everything I've ever typed, looked at, or masturbated to on the computer - that's just child's play!

(Side note: if those fucking Goog workers could just for one second stop talking about how their desk chairs are really just sliding boards, and how their company is so progressive they can wear human feces to work and take vacations whenever they want, they'd realize that MG is gonna own their asses - and probably some cute, third-world countries - in just a matter's time.)

Like I said before, what really worries me is that some crazy is going to hack onto all of my profiles, sabotage my cultural relevance, and then slit my throat.

But maybe there are worse things. I mean ... what if someone decides to not only murder the white, female, Jewish me of real life, but ALSO the black, male, Whirling Dervish me of Second life!?!?!?!?!?!

Who's gonna remember me then? Nobody. WHO'S GONNA UPDATE MY POSTHUMOUS WIKI????!?!?!?!?!? Also nobody.

I usually don't like admitting to weakness, but readers: I'm scared.

"VOMITING ON SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY"

In case you live outside the city made famous for housing the largest mall in America (and thusly serving as the "worldwide model for sustainability"), Syracuse University recently announced that JPMorgan Chase & Co. CEO Jamie Dimon will be delivering its 2010 commencement address.

“We are honored to have Jamie Dimon speak to our graduates,” says SU Chancellor and President Nancy Cantor. "His courageous act of pocketing $25 billion in bailout money should really inspire them to defecate on their fellow brethren."

So true, Chancy Nancy ... but at the same time, I can't help but think there are better candidates for the job.

JUST SUM PUBLIC FIGURES WHO ARE BETTER SUITED TO DELIVER THE 2K10 COMMENCEMENT ADDY:

Bo Obama, Courtney Love, Osama bin Laden, the inventor of Skechers, Carrot Top, Ke$ha, Famous Amos, Flipper, James Earl Jones, Anna Nicole Smith's exhumed body, Bernie Madoff, Keith Richards, Voldemort, Miley Cyrus, the cast of Little People, Big World, the cast of Jersey Shore, Pauly Shore, Clay Aiken, Dora the Explorer, Elizabeth Smart, Steve Buscemi, Lisa Loeb, the Unabomber, Freddie Prinze, Jr., T-Pain, this bulldog in black panties, Michael Vick, Nickelback, Sarah Jessica Parker and/or Palin, Richard Simmons, Pacman, Ricki Lake, Little Debbie, the bride of Chucky, Megan Fox, Ed Hardy, L. Ron Hubbard, me.

And seriously - FUCK YOU, SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY.

"TELECOMMUNICATIONS"

Perhaps the greatest challenge facing our global community right now is how to address the enormous amounts of bandwidth our mobile devices require to run smoothly.

And it's not just about (though it's primarily about) being the first to know where in the world Jessica Simpson is right now, tabulating "The Price of Beauty," and educating us on how "some people" elongate their necks just to live up to society's standards.

IT'S ABOUT THE LOOMING WORLD THREAT!

The truth is that current telecommunications technology just doesn't cut it! Smartphones need to be smarter ... they need to be FASTER!

Every fraction of a micro-second delay is a threat to our security. Yes, we praise "real time" speed ... but with all these fraction-of-a-micro-second-delays, just how "real time" is it?

I'll tell you something. We turn our backs for one too many fractions of a micro-seconds, and we've got a September 12th on our hands.

And you tell me technology's moving too fast for us to keep up?

Smartphones NEED to be able to vibrate our molecules like microwaves! They need to be able to wirelessly (and sans-forklift) telecommunicate morbidly obese people out of their beds!

Until then, we'll never be safe.

You know, some people think our perpetual downward crotch gaze is rude, but what's really more important in the end: paying attention to a PowerPoint presentation, or keeping Twitter-tabs on the terror threat?

That's what I thought.

"EXHAUSTION"

There's something wrong with this world when I wake up every day feeling more exhausted and beat down than a factory worker in China.

When I go to Starbucks every day for a pump of caffeinated corn syrup, even though it's raping me dry of life savings and turning my insides into plastic. (No, seriously. Just the other day my gynecologist told me that I have time-release Legos for ovaries, and that I'll probably give birth to conjoined Playmobils.)

What is wrong with our culture? Why don't we have afternoon siestas like they do in Spain? Why can't we sit around and eat cheese all day like they do in France?

Until I know the answers to these questions, I'll probably never be content to rest.

Until I know the answers to these questions, I'll probably continue damning the French way of life by staying up for obscene hours and spreading Velveeta on soggy white bread.

"TEMPTATION"

This post goes out to all my lady MG readers out there. (Although men are welcome to read, too. Just take heed and channel your mind's vagina.)

LADIES!

Let's talk about that soft brown wonder we crave more than anything - yes, chocolate.

Every woman's most formidable opponent is the chocolate bon bon/chocolate-dipped bacon strip melting to the bottom of her purse.

And while her midday fishing trip through purse detritus always yields a sweet release, it isn't without its harmful side-effects.

In recognition of these effects, I've composed a list of safety precautions one must take when eating chocolate.

1. Always eat chocolate in slow motion - this allows your body to better metabolize the chocolate, so you don't get fat and ugly.

2. Always eat chocolate in privacy - eating chocolate in public is like masturbating in public, which is only OK at night.

3. Always eat chocolate with your eyes closed - this way you can fantasize about George Clooney while you're eating the chocolate. (And if an acquaintance mistakenly walks in on you during the act, he can't accuse you of being homosexual!)

Look. I'm not saying "DON'T eat chocolate;" I'm simply urging you to play by the rules.

There's a fine line between giving into temptation, and giving into public indecency. And the line is drawn in Godiva shavings.

"SPRING BREAK"

MG Reader Poll

Which of the following Spring Break options is more gratifying?*

A. Rebuilding the Chocolate City (referred to as "New Orleans" by the liberal press) with Habitat for Humanity

B. Having one too many Jooses and getting abducted in Mexico

*I'll be posting my response next week when I get back from Mexico.

"DISTRACTION"

For a long time I thought self-diagnosed ADD was the only thing to blame for never getting anything done.

Boy, was I wrong.

After YEARS spent bartering Adderall in university libraries and spicing up food with ground psychostimulant, what the fuck do I have to show for myself?

Enamel flakes for teeth and no more ability to concentrate?

Listen. The truth is, ADD doesn't exist. Like "cancer," it's just another social trend packaged as "disease."

The only thing really preventing us from getting work done is EXACTLY that image you see above.

YES/DUHHH, DOGS.

Oh, mercy, mercy me. You know I'm not one for final solutions - they've really created some awkward situations in the past - but someone's gotta lay down the law eventually, and that someone is me.

So either we,

1. Execute all dogs.

or

2. Execute each and every human who tweets, Youtubes, or even XANGAs dogs into prominent Internet existence.

Harsh? Perhaps.

But at the end of the day, it's our livelihoods we're talking about.

Is watching hour after hour of sneezing-puppy footage really worth going on welfare and sitting in our own meadow muffins? Or is execution our only way out?

"SENSE"

Like Haley Joel Osmont in the days of yore*, I too have a sixth sense.

I don't know how to say this properly, and I'll probably never be able to say it without offending higher education, BUT.

I see minority status.

Really. Everywhere I go, I can't help but notice race, gender, class ... even when I'm not wearing my infrared stealth goggles!

Everyone's telling me it's wrong, but is it?

It seems to me that our tools of perception have become so watered-down by the rush for political correctness, that we've altogether forgotten the human form.

Honestly, how many of you can still distinguish a homo sapien from a tree? ... And you call this progress?

Perhaps I've got it backwards, but at the end of the day, I truly feel all the wiser for knowing who to fuck, and who to deforest.

*What ever happened to the little Mr? My sources tell me that he ditched playing leukemia patients to get fat and smoke weed with NYU students.

"COURTSHIP"

Oh, readers. I know most of you live by the dictates of your Promise Rings, but have any of you ever tried wooing anybody before?

I've done it once or twice, and let me tell you - it sucks.

The extra time you spend taking a weekly shower and remembering not to eat garlic cloves after every meal really shoots down your overall productivity.

Which is why I wish I could condense all of my flirtings into a single Microsoft Excel document.

I mean, what are the downsides of expressing your desire to hump-grind through a polynomial equation!?

There aren't any.

"OVERCOMPENSATION"

Have you ever made up for falling behind in your job search by posting things on the Internet every five minutes? (Will someone finally discover me and crown me the next big - but not quite as gay - Perez Hilton?)

Have you ever made up for your disfigured face and pubey Jew hair by turning everything into a joke? (Will I finally be able to ha-ha-hustle that honey into coitus?)

Have you ever made up for not watching the Oscars by attending class the next day in blackface and a fat suit? (Will I finally know what it feels like to be Clareece "Precious" Jones?)

Good, neither have I.

"AWARENESS"

Contrary to popular belief, the human brain can only process and compartmentalize three items: eating, sleeping, and AIDS awareness.

Proof?

Once I made the mistake of thinking about breast cancer by purchasing a limited-edition pink Swiffer WetJet, and GUESS WHAT!?

Brain overloaded, I forgot to eat, and instead of sleeping, I remained awake for three whole weeks, lubricating, swiffering, and re-lubricating my kitchen floor until I burned a hole through the tiles.

Listen. If you're going to support charitable causes, support the ones spread by monkeys and masturbated on by Bono.

'Cause if it ain't got Bono's seed in it, it's bound to give you [hello! hello!] vertigo. And probs kill you.

"MEIN GOOGLE"

"So what you're saying is that Mein Google is a homosexual conspiracy?"

Yes.

"PEACE"

Peace is surely an elusive thing these days.

We pray to our gods for it, write poetry for it, heck, we even shoot bombs at neighboring countries for it! And yet, peace still seems to escape us. Why? Where's that Peace R.O.I!?

You know, I've been thinking long and hard about it, and I'll tell you one thing: you can't have peace without first having peace of mind.

Obviously, peace of mind comes with feeling good. The problem with this is that nowadays, we're all so emotionally invested in not feeling good.

I mean, we read the news. (In 140 characters or less.) We watch Leonardo Dicaprio get murdered on screen, like, all the time. We deprive our bodies of the good stuff, maintaining macrobiotic diets and munching on clovers to stay alive.

And FOR WHAT?

Let me tell you - the only time I find peace of mind is when I stuff myself with empty carbohydrates. I find I can only reach spiritual clarity when I shed, nay, wrap! my stress in a tortilla and deep fry it.

What about this don't you understand, world? Peace is all in our diet!

And to help the world get a head start on its long-delayed journey,I established this diet point system last night in my sleep. Obviously, the higher the number, the better.

Stack of Pancakes: 4.5
Fried Chicken: 5
Fettuccine Alfredo: 7
Bacon: 7
Deep Fried Oreos: 6.5
Potato Chips: 4
Funnel Cake: 7.5

(Shoot for 50+ points a day.)

You know, there was a lot of controversy over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize this past year - I don't anticipate there'll be any dispute the next time around.