"PEACE"

Peace is surely an elusive thing these days.

We pray to our gods for it, write poetry for it, heck, we even shoot bombs at neighboring countries for it! And yet, peace still seems to escape us. Why? Where's that Peace R.O.I!?

You know, I've been thinking long and hard about it, and I'll tell you one thing: you can't have peace without first having peace of mind.

Obviously, peace of mind comes with feeling good. The problem with this is that nowadays, we're all so emotionally invested in not feeling good.

I mean, we read the news. (In 140 characters or less.) We watch Leonardo Dicaprio get murdered on screen, like, all the time. We deprive our bodies of the good stuff, maintaining macrobiotic diets and munching on clovers to stay alive.

And FOR WHAT?

Let me tell you - the only time I find peace of mind is when I stuff myself with empty carbohydrates. I find I can only reach spiritual clarity when I shed, nay, wrap! my stress in a tortilla and deep fry it.

What about this don't you understand, world? Peace is all in our diet!

And to help the world get a head start on its long-delayed journey,I established this diet point system last night in my sleep. Obviously, the higher the number, the better.

Stack of Pancakes: 4.5
Fried Chicken: 5
Fettuccine Alfredo: 7
Bacon: 7
Deep Fried Oreos: 6.5
Potato Chips: 4
Funnel Cake: 7.5

(Shoot for 50+ points a day.)

You know, there was a lot of controversy over Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize this past year - I don't anticipate there'll be any dispute the next time around.