"TELECOMMUNICATIONS"

Perhaps the greatest challenge facing our global community right now is how to address the enormous amounts of bandwidth our mobile devices require to run smoothly.

And it's not just about (though it's primarily about) being the first to know where in the world Jessica Simpson is right now, tabulating "The Price of Beauty," and educating us on how "some people" elongate their necks just to live up to society's standards.

IT'S ABOUT THE LOOMING WORLD THREAT!

The truth is that current telecommunications technology just doesn't cut it! Smartphones need to be smarter ... they need to be FASTER!

Every fraction of a micro-second delay is a threat to our security. Yes, we praise "real time" speed ... but with all these fraction-of-a-micro-second-delays, just how "real time" is it?

I'll tell you something. We turn our backs for one too many fractions of a micro-seconds, and we've got a September 12th on our hands.

And you tell me technology's moving too fast for us to keep up?

Smartphones NEED to be able to vibrate our molecules like microwaves! They need to be able to wirelessly (and sans-forklift) telecommunicate morbidly obese people out of their beds!

Until then, we'll never be safe.

You know, some people think our perpetual downward crotch gaze is rude, but what's really more important in the end: paying attention to a PowerPoint presentation, or keeping Twitter-tabs on the terror threat?

That's what I thought.